'No Show For My Christmas Show Thanks to Mr. C'

 Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear! This year has been a real bar-steward hasn't it! As I expect you found out this morning, in spite of all of our efforts planning it my Christmas appearance on C.H. R. (Conquest Hospital Radio) had to be cancelled at the last minute because of the pandemic. Jeff Belton and I were prepared to go to the Conquest and do the show but with Hastings & St Leonards in a bad way with new infections and the Conquest housing a good many Covid patients now the head of C.H.R. decided the safest thing to do was to cancel all live shows for the time being...

As GUTTED as I was to hear the news yesterday I can't say that I blame him. There might be a chance (depending on what happens with the virus) that Jeff and I will get to do the show at a later date but even if we do it won't be quite the same as doing it in the run up to Christmas.

ANYWAY, no point in dwelling on spilt milk and so I think to cheer you up a bit I will tell you a few of the 'crap jokes' I had written especially for the show - that way you will be GLAD that it was cancelled! (lol)

Here goes...

Have you ever stopped to think about how thousands of women have babies delivered each year and yet you never see anyone sign for them on the doorstep.

My mum said that she wanted something sweet for Christmas this year - so I bought her a sofa.

My Doctor always tells me that I am on a diet entirely of my own making - in the respect that no matter what he tells me to do I am determined to eat what I like until I die!

Why are Artists always tougher than the best Boxers? Because once they get their brushes out and start painting they can put anyone on the canvas!

(This one isn't mine but it's definitely crap enough to have been!) What do you call Father Christmas without any underpants on? - Saint Knickerless! 

So then,  I bet you feel better about missing out on my show now! (lol)

Still, it is not all misery here at the moment. I have had a lot more crimbo cards show up in the post and a few 'mystery' presents as well... what was that? What do I mean 'mystery present' - don't I know who they are from? Oh, I know who they are from alright it's just a mystery why anyone would want to buy me anything in the first place! (lol)

I have been a 'good boy' though so far and not 'peeked' at any of the gifts I've recieved, well, bar one that I didn't realise was a Christmas present and opened by mistake! I suspect I have a new CD to enjoy from my old mate, Dave Arnold along with a card and Jeff and Wendy Belton delived (from a social distance!) a lovely plant that they said contained a 'surprise'... Well, I wasn't sure how a plant could 'hide a surprise' so was intregued... It was a lovely, tall and green plant with funny shaped leaves and it 'ponged' a bit but I could not find anything hidden about 'it's person' at all? Just as I was about to give up on discovering the secret of its surprise there was a knock at the front door. It was two burly Policemen! Turns out my 'gift' is a Cannabis plant and the 'surprise' is about 3 months starting from January 10th according to the Cheif Inspector!  I pleaded my innocence of course but all to no avail - I guess I should have worried when I saw the little card that came with it said 'With love from Ernie The Elf' - Jeff Belton never has forgiven me for my stunt in 'making him a father live on air' two years ago! (lol)

Now, just in case you are a member of the police reading this - I am of course 'extracting the urine' with the above JOKE and do not wish to be raided! The nearest I get to 'pot' is twisting my ankle while crossing the road and the only smoke I ever see is when I burn all my old betting slips!

What? I'm talking a load of.... 

Well of course I am! I've got to fill up some space on this blog SOMEHOW this Christmas! It's not as if I can show you all pics of my 'adventures' like normal is it?

Oh well, time to love and leave you for now but as Arnie says 'I'll be back'!

'The Joy Of Human Interaction!'

 Well, December is 'racing away' again as usual! Even in this 'lockdown' year it seems impossible to get Christmas organised, sorted, written, sent and delivered!

I have this morning though been out doing some delivering. Rather than walk round and round my new 'exercise yard' at the cycle bowl at the end of my road I decided today that I would be thrifty and walk around Hollington delivering Christmas cards to my friends houses and save myself some money on postage. To be honest, I am NOT surprised these days to see Post Office staff wearing masks and gloves because the prices charged now for stamps/parcel deliveries is daylight robbery! (lol) Even second class stamps cost you an arm and a leg and I hear first class will be about 90p soon! I know e mail and online electronic cards has knocked the amount of physical cards being sent down a lot but continually raising prices is only going to cut the Post Office's business even more! 

Anyway, I walked about three miles in total and saved myself at least 4 stamps in the bargain so that is another £2 something I can use to help buy Christmas presents. Saving cash every way that I can is a priority for me these days but I will always spend money happily on presents for people because friends, family and lovers (if you're lucky enough to have one!) are worth every penny!

There is no substitute for human interaction and just things like sharing a joke with a stranger in the street can help cheer you up. On my way back from delivering my cards this morning I saw two guys trying to deliver a settee up a tricky flight of steps. I stood and watched them struggling and so when they turned around one of them said to me in a jovial tone "You were waiting for us to fail, weren't you"! "Now you know what happens when someone says they want something suite for Christmas!" I called back as quick as a flash. Both guys roared with laughter and we all went away happier and grinning to ourselves.

Talking about grinning - my old mate, Jeff Belton and I put the finishing touches to our Christmas radio show the other day. You have no idea how much work there is that goes into preparing a radio show if you've never done one before. Oh  no! When you switch on your radio or listen online and it all sounds very 'off the cuff' you think that all a D.J. does for his money is turn up, play records, talk a bit and then 'bugger off home' but there is a LOT more to making a good show than that! 'Winging it' does play its part in any live radio broadcast though because you never know what can happen or how the atmosphere in the studio is going to feel on the day. It's the same when you are making records and recording in a recording studio - some days the 'atmosphere just works' and you and the people you are working with just click. Other days it feels awkward and what you get sounds 'forced' rather than natural and inspired. All you can do in either case though is do your homework, prepare and get a clear picture in your mind about what you are hoping to achieve and then hope for the best!

Finally for today, I also took part in a 'Creative Writing' session on zoom last Thursday with Artsonprescription and one of the exercises we were given to do was to use part of a poem by Kitty Wright called 'My Dream Box' to create our own poem 'in that style'. I was quite pleased with what I came up with because, not only do I think it says a lot about me and how I am feeling at the moment, it has a wonderfully quirky 'pattern of thoughts' about it. Have a read and see what you think?

My Dream Box

I will put in the box

A journey endlessly up and down the escalators at Debenhams

Thoughts of family and friends

Smiling faces, laughter and a cinematic illusion of togetherness

I will put in the box

The safety pin from God’s nappy

A bottle of Kinnie from sunny Malta

My ipod complete with never ending batteries rechargeable by love

My box shall appear as a Christmas box

Wrapped in paper with ribbon it shall be tied

It’s strength an inner resolve and unending magic

I will dream in my box

Of romantic liasons, candle lit moments

And of how words allowed actions to speak.

Antony May 3/12/20

'A Festive Update!'

 Hi Everyone!

So, how is your Christmas shopping going? I'm doing pretty well with mine but there are always those 'hard to know what to get sorts' that seem to be the eternal puzzle!

I have been busy preparing for my appearance on the Jeff Belton Full English Breakfast Christmas Show on C.H. R. (Conquest Hospital Radio) and have found lots of fun and Christmassy records to play you on the 23rd! A side from the music, Jeff and I are also planning to perform during a 'Stritctly Cum Christmas' section, organise a Christmas yo-yoing competition and to battle it out live on the air playing a simple little game I have invented called 'Santa's Pop-A-Pod' game! Whatever happens it is going to be fun and the nearest thing you will get to the 'office party' this year so make sure you tune in between 9AM and12 midday on Dec 23rd!

A Daft Festive Painting Of Mine!

My reputation as a 'Christmas person' (or 'nutter') also got me an invite recently to put together a short, fun Christmas Quiz for Artsonprescriptions online Christmas zoom party on the 18th of December.  I had a lot of fun yesterday doing the research and compiling the quiz and am now looking forward to being 'Honourary Quizmaster'. With 20 multiple choice questions of mirth and madness to challenge and entertain my 'subjects' I hope to put plenty of smiles upon faces AND help teach everyone a few fun facts about Christmas in the bargain! I will most likely post these quiz questions here nearer to Christmas so that you can 'all have a go at home' -as dear old 'Brucie' used to say on the Generation Game! So keep your eyes peeled for that!

For all of the frivolity to come this Christmas isn't going to be the same as normal. My Christmas perpetually starts with the St Clements Church Christmas Fair in Hastings Old Town but that like many other seasonal events had to be cancelled this year. Still, all we can do this time around is try and think of the current restrictions as a 'challenge'. 

If there is indeed more than one way to skin a cat (though I've never understood why anyone would want to skin a cat in the first place? Maybe this folk lore comes from the time of witches and witchcraft?) then there HAS to be a plethora of new ways we can get into the festive spirit, hasn't there? I have certainly found one by joining up with the Artsonprescription team and getting creative! I am never going to be 'Picasso' but drawing and painting are relaxing and fun ways to pass the time when 'Mr Johnson' says that you have to 'Stay In, Wash Your Hands, Wear A Batman Mask and an inflatable Kermit Suit and Save Lives' (or something like that!). I have even 'taken the plunge' and bought a little wooden Christmas house I intend to paint from 'The Works' (£10 - a bit overpriced but HUGE Fun) so inspired I've been by learning all about 'the colour wheel' and 'impressionism'. I'm getting better at painting and can do a half decent Baron Greenback (from 'Dangermouse') impression as well though how Rory Bremner and his cohorts helped some of the greatest impressionistic painters I don't know? I suppose Henri Matisse did have a passing resemblance to Spike Milligan...

Look, enough of this drivel, keep smiling, keep Christmas in your heart, get creative and HAVE FUN this year -whatever! x

'A Virtual Christmas!'

 Hello again!

Well, what a ‘rotten tomato’ of a year 2020 has turned out to be, eh? I tell you what if I’d known on New Years Eve last year when I posted my last post to you all I would have made sure to tell you all to have a few more drinks - stiff drinks!

Still, ‘it is what it is’ and considering the situation regarding the worldwide pandemic no matter where you are in the world reading this my message to you is this… that we owe it not only to ourselves, our families and to those we may have lost this year but to Christmas itself to make Christmas 2020 every bit as festive and Christmassy as every other year! if anything we all need to make this Christmas even more special - even if we have to end up with a ‘virtual Christmas’.

With that in mind I hope to ‘lead the charge’ myself with this blog and over the next two months I shall be posting all kinds of ‘festive goodies’ to keep you entertained, informed and (hopefully) smiling!

Jeff Belton & Ernie The Elf & Friend In The CHR Studio

To start with today why not put the 23rd of December at 9 A.M. (U.K. time) in your diary! Why? Well, my mate Jeff Belton will be on the radio doing our annual ‘Christmas Breakfast Show’ on Conquest Hospital Radio then and it will be a whole lot of fun! No matter where you are it is free to tune in online - just search for Conquest Hospital Radio and click on the ‘listen live’ box on the website and you are in! Jeff and I always have lots of laughs, crack madcap jokes, talk about ‘the old days’ and play a fabulously festive selection of records! You might even get to hear one of my own Christmas songs - though I doubt it will be a new recording unless I win the lottery between now and then! Still, if you’ve not heard ‘If Santa Was A D.J’ or ‘The Toy Museum’ you are surely missing out (even if I do say so myself!) and need to arrest that situation to satisfy your ‘bucket list’! (lol)

Another thing to look out for if you are in ‘my neck of the woods’ in Hastings is a special Covid 19 Christmas story that I have written. It is due to be published in the December/January edition of ‘Hastings Town’ magazine out on December the 5th.

It might be ‘covid themed’ but is not a miserable tale and is one I hope to brighten your day whether you are 3 or 93! ‘Hastings Town’ magazine can easily be found on Facebook so if you are not local but would like a copy drop the magazine’s Editor Jim Hollands a line there or for U.K. customers call 01303 814874 to secure a copy for yourself in the post. 

Right then, that’s it for now but keep your eyes peeled as I will be back soon with more Christmassy chat and fun!

Toodle pip!

'Thank Goodness For Two Lovely Christmassy People!'

I know 2019 has not been the most 'harmonious' year but the level of MISERY and MISERABLE people I have encountered this year has definitely gone up!

I had a smashing time with my old mate, Jeff Belton doing our Christmas Special show on C.H.R. yesterday and went dressed as a Christmas Tree! (lol) Yep, you get the picture a CHRISTMAS TREE!

Jeff, Clyde The Clown and Me

Standing at the end of my street I looked a right festive twit wearing a special Christmas jumper that has tinsel and baubles already attached to it, LARGE green and black Elf 'boots', a Christmas tree hat complete with baubles, sparkly tinsel and with a star on top AND a Christmas stocking dangling down my leg that I had looped through the belt in my trousers!

Now, surely just the thought of seeing someone looking THAT daft makes you smile or laugh, doesn't it? Not most people today though! Only the bus drivers who went past me waved or smiled at me bar one lady who 'couldn't believe her eyes' everyone else either blanked me or drove past unimpressed!

Jeff and Ernie

'Sir Belton' and his good lady wife, Wendy, however LOVED my look and Jeff burst out laughing when he clapped eyes on me waving and wiggling an Elf boot (with bells on the end) at him and Wendy as they drove up the hill! "What have you got on!" He exclaimed when I got into the car!

When we got to the Conquest it was mainly 'more of the same'. Those waiting outside looked as grim as my bank account statement and while no one is likely to be 'bouncing off the walls with joy' at Christmas if they are either in hospital or visiting someone you'd think that the site of Jeff dressed up as Santa and me as a Christmas Tree walking 'casually' past might raise a titter!

But as dear old, Frankie Howerd would say 'not a titter I heard! Not a big titter nor even a little titter - I was well and truly titterless! Ooohhh Missus! (lol)

A festive looking Wogan!

The ladies upstairs in the offices near to the radio station studio though were much more responsive and that at least put us into the right mood to do our show in. You can see a few pics of us 'in action' here including 'Ernie the Elf Belton', who if you remember I got Jeff to adopt live on air last Christmas. I also brought my mate, 'Clyde The Clown' to say hello to the listeners and to give Ernie someone to talk to while me and Jeff did the show...

Three hours on the radio seem to FLY by and as soon as we started it seemed it was time to finish! I am really proud of the selection of music that Jeff and I put together and I think the mixture of well known classic Christmas songs and 'unknown gems' that we played was great! Jeff is always a big supporter of my music as well and he played three or four of the tracks from my festive collection 'A Nod To Mr.Dickens' including everyone's favourite of mine 'The Toy Museum' - twice!

Two Christmas nutters in their element!

I do miss my 'recording career' and the wonderful Mr. Harvey Summers with whom I wrote all of my songs but every time I get a chance like this and I see or hear anyone playing any of my stuff I know that every penny that I spent was well worth the money. Ironically, all of my recordings are likely to become collectible in the future as they are all extremely rare!

Maybe one day if 'my boat comes in' I will see the inside of Broadoak Studios again, who knows?

'Much Merriment At Meet Of The Tongue & The Steelyards Collective'

Things have been pretty full on this last few weeks so apologies for my lack of posts this year. Sadly, much of what I have been up to has had little or nothing to do with Christmas mores the pity other than searching for Christmas presents/writing/delivering/sending cards and the like.

I did manage to get away from the stress for a bit though last Sunday at a 'Winter Get Together' at  Horam. Jane and Keith Trott have a lovely home there with plenty of grounds and a nice, warm stone barn that is ideal for Storytelling/Poetry & Song evenings. Jane is a 'creative sort' who writes a lot of poetry and Keith loves his old Penny Farthing bicycles and loves to listen (as well as ably preparing the mid-interval refreshments) so its always nice to see them both and feel 'part of something', you know?

Jane Trott (left) and Yvonne Rees

Yvonne Rees, who was given the task of hosting the dual event, is another well-known local Poet and Artist and is always good for a giggle with her witty, observational poetry. As for the other 'acts' well, that's where you and I come in! Both The Steelyards Collective and Meet Of The Tongue are rather like old time family Christmas gatherings because the idea behind both is that people meet up for an evening and provide their own entertainment - taking it in turn to sing/read/perform their work or just listen to others or maybe provide a bit of something by someone who has inspired them. It never really matters who does what because we ALWAYS have a good time and each others company no matter what!

Wendy is all smiles telling her tale!

I chose to read out a Christmas story of mine called 'The Cellar Door'. It was written more with children in mind but seeing as some of the pieces before it had been a little 'dark' in theme for the time of year I thought it might help to re-connect people with the wonder of Christmas that only kids really ever feel. It is such a shame as we grow older that we seem to lose the ability to get excited 'wide-eyed and open mouthed' about anything and I love thinking back to when I was small and how even the simplest thing then seemed to have a sprinkle of magic about it when it was associated with Santa, Tinsel and twinkling fairy lights... 

Lorne plays Christmas Carols on his flute.

What made this particular afternoon so nice was the fact that, due to one thing and another, both 'Meet Of The Tongue' and 'The Steelyards Collective' have not been able to hold their usual regular monthly meetings for a few months this year. Seeing everyone again and feeling the sense of community that these meetings help to re-instate in todays rather isolating society was really nice and I even 'threw in' a little 'surprise' for hosts, Jane and Yvonne at the end of the evening to make everyone smile!

I don't want to say too much more about that here because I am hoping to repeat the feat when doing my Christmas Radio show with, Jeff Belton next Monday! Yes, folks! The 23rd is only 6 days away now!

If you think you would like the kind of traditional evening that I talk about here why not come along to one of either 'Meet of the Tongue' or 'The Steelyards Collective' (hopefully) monthly meetings in 2020? You will be ever so welcome and it does not matter a jot if all you want to do is sit at the back and listen - ears are as welcome as voices! You can see photos of some of the 'performers' and performances here...

'The Christmas Spirit Still Lives On, Robbie Williams & A Radio Show Not To Miss!'

Well, we are already now towards the end of the first week of December and Christmas fast approaches. I've not quite been 'on form' this year so far as the festive spirit is concerned but have not given up on getting 'that special starry eyed glow' this year just yet!

I have had first-hand experience this last week though of people being both 'naughty' and 'nice', which has been both disheartening and heart-warming. Thankfully, I have seen more GOOD than BAD and been humbled and encouraged by the kindnesses that one or two people have shown me lately. One person I know found £5 but insisted I have it as 'my need was greater than his'. I didn't know what to say but accepted in good grace as the offer was so lovely and genuinely meant that it would have been almost cruel to say no...

Now,  if there is one thing in this world with a longer memory than an Elephant (or my incredible mate, 'Autograph Keith!') it is a 'punter'. and as a perpetual non-starter in the 'winning' stakes I remember 'nice' things long term because they mean a lot to me so I hope one day my chance to be kind to this generous soul will come along...

Another person treated me to a taxi ride following a lovely morning of chat and fun and tomorrow I am off on a coach trip to see the Rochester Dickensian Festival thanks to another good friend. I might be unlucky in love and other areas but I am most certainly fortune to be surrounded by such good, kind and thoughtful people - and that feels really special at this time of year especially...

Right! Next I want to draw your attention to the event above! Yes folks, me and my old mate, Jeff Belton are returning to the airwaves to bring lots of fun, laughter, silliness and GREAT music to your home this Christmas! If you go to the Conquest Hospital Radio website here: https://conquesthospitalradio.co.uk you can listen in online for FREE - and we won't charge you either! (lol)

The show is going to be a BLAST and 'Sir Jeffrey' and I have been 'up to our tricks' already recording a special festive play to make you giggle we've written. Daft doesn't come close and as for the Acting skills? Well, you can turn off your house fans because the breeze coming from Sir Lawrence Olivier's grave is incredible! (lol) You will LOVE the characters - their changing accents and their laughs! (lol)
Oh yes, if 'sanity really isn't your thing' then tune in online on MONDAY 23RD DEC from 9AM -12 MIDDAY!

Finally, I have to say that I am LOVING listening to the new ROBBIE WILLIAMS Christmas Album - 'The Christmas Present' at the moment! Williams is a great lyricist and WAY more than just a 'cheeky, good looking bloke with tattoos that used to be in Take That'. The album is split into two sections - The Past and The Present and both are fab! Whatever you do make sure you get a listen to his 'Swingin' take on the Slade classic, 'Merry Christmas Everybody' - only Robbie could pull that off!

Oh well, toodle pip for now! I hope your Christmas shopping is going well and I'll be back with more soon! Have fun!

'Another Year Of Festive Blogging!'

Hi All,

Well, I am glad to say that my thoughts have turned to Christmas time quite early this year! Like a lot of you reading this now ( and moaning no doubt! ) I'm not a lover of the way in which the festive season seems to encroach ever more on the summer months these days but in my (probably) permanently unemployed state I need to prepare for Christmas a few months ahead for a number of reasons. Presents, cards, letters all want buying, making, or writing and then of course you have deadlines to meet for foreign cards to arrive on time. It can all become very stressful and out of control unless you get your act together and as I LOVE Christmas I HATE to miss anyone out or fail to send out even one festive wish!

2019 will not go down in history as a great year for me personally (nor will it for many of you I suspect!) but it has been an awful year for the U.K. in my opinion with regard to the 'Brexit' wrangling etc and so from my point of view ANY chance to escape thinking about/hearing about or watching stuff to do with the DREADED and totally ill-timed forthcoming General Election is great for me - hence my early blogging this year!

The GOOD news looking forwards to this December is that I hope to be on the radio again on Christmas Eve with my mate, Jeff Belton on Conquest Hospital Radio again.

Unbridled 'Nutterdom' On Last Years, Jeff Belton Show

If you missed last years 'manic' effort you missed a treat as Jeff and I had the whole of the Conquest Hospital Radio staff in uproar with our antics both on and off the air! I expect the same to happen this year as Jeff (with a little bit of help from me) has written a 'festive play' that we plan to record in advance of the show that should make you all chuckle and your kids will love it as well so tune in with the whole family!

As ever, Jeff and I are also going to 'cook up' an eclectic mix of Christmas tunes to while the morning away with so you will get plenty of chance to hear both familiar favourites and a few new and unusual songs you can seek out and add to your festive playlists for years to come - or buy the CD's and help the artists!!! (lol)

'Jolly' Jeff Belton!

Sadly, it looks highly unlikely this year that I will be able to return to my beloved Grassington for their 'Dickensian Festival' in December. The coach operator that I have used to make the 'pilgrimage' the last two years has dropped the tour from their brochure this time around and while I have found two other Coach companies who are going to the festival from this area both are only booked in for a 2 hour stay.

Grassington's Own FABULOUS Dynamic Duo!

That may be great for those who just want to look around the small marketplace and have a cup of tea but for someone like me who wants to soak up the UNIQUE atmosphere that only Grassington can provide it is woefully inadequate! We had over 5 hours the first year I went and 4 hours last year and both times I would have liked longer!

Still, I WILL be with all of you who do travel to Grassington (and who take part in the festival itself) in spirit If I can't make it this time. None of the coach tours stay near enough to the festival to make getting a taxi back to my hotel viable either and (sadly) my finances cannot stretch to much these days as I am pretty much living off my savings as it is!

ANYWAY, there IS a similar festival planned at Rye (December 7th) and that I can reach by public transport from here so I will probably make my first visit to that this year (weather permitting). Rye is a lovely, old fashioned place and an ideal setting for such an event - especially as they are banning cars from the main street that day!

Other than the above and my usual trip to the Christmas Fair at St Clements Church in the Old Town of Hastings I don't know what Christmas will bring this year? I am always up for anything festive so will keep my eyes peeled and report back to you anything exciting I find out about to (hopefully) either get you in the Christmas spirit or encourage you to get involved in it yourself!

Right then, that's my 'opening gambit' for this years blogging!

Back with more soon.

'A Merry Christmas To All!'

Well folks, today is the day! I've just this minute got in from my around the world trip delivering your presents and feel very happy and contented with my nights work! The weather was quite nice this year and so the sleigh wasn't subject to a great deal of turbulence. No pesky 'drone' can get up high enough to interfere with my global tracking system either so Rudolph and the other reindeers don't have that problem to content with!

My host yesterday, D.J. Jeff Belton

I tell you what it gets VERY tiring being Santa in this modern age though? We didn't have all this 'blogging lark' when I first started and sometimes I feel a bit like The Queen having to write something meaningful, festive and jolly each year on here for you all to read on Christmas morning!

Still, being Santa does have its benefits! I don't have to buy a single mince pie all the year round because I collect so many on Christmas Eve  I have a years supply in one night gifted to me! With the weather up here at the north pole as cold and chilly as it is I don't need a fridge either - I just 'do a squirrel job' and bury mince pies out in the snow all around my cottage. I don't always manage to find all of them again but the Reindeer love them (though I don't want them getting so fat that they can't fly!) and 'Mrs Christmas' is always on to me about 'that stomach of yours'!

I have literally WAREHOUSES full of Sherry and Carrots as well thanks to all of you. My magic dust helps me to shrink them to such a tiny size that I can fit them into just one sack on the sleigh Christmas Eve, which is very handy, I can tell you! I do eat some of the things you leave out for me though on the night. Delivering Christmas presents at breakneck speed is hard work you know and even a man with 'a weight problem and no chance of joining his local weight watchers group' like me needs something to keep him going! A Mrs. Jones from Carshalton, in Surrey U.K. always leaves me a WONDERFUL spread of stuff! She bakes it all herself and puts a lot of love and care into it. If its a really cold night she often leaves me a thick, home made scarf and a pair of matching gloves and makes sure that the fire will still be raging in the hearth for when I arrive. I got a 'nasty surprise' the first time she did that because I got in to her house 'the traditional way' down the chimney but now I know what to expect I try to make enough time on my round to stop and enjoy Mrs. Jones 'festive fare' each year.

It's love at first sight for Jeff and Ernie! 

Not that I am into all this new 'gender labelling or NOT labelling' thing but I have to say in fairness that a lot more Men are now becoming great cooks and 'doing right by me' on Christmas Eve. I think the Hairy Bikers have a lot to do with the improvement in their cooking skills as they somehow made riding a BIG motorcycle while 'looking hard' and filling fairy cake cases with a gooey mixture go together. Its good to learn as many skills as you can kids - no knowledge is a waste of time as you never know in this life when or if it will be needed!

Well, its nearly time for me to go (the old eyes are hard to keep open now) but before I do I would like to tell you that I had a WONDERFUL time yesterday morning on the Jeff Belton 'Christmas Jamboree Bag' Christmas show on CHR. I really 'kippered' poor old Jeff with my 'making him a father live on air' ruse and he was TERRIFIED when he first arrived in the car to pick me up that morning(lol). Jeff is always VERY high on my 'nice list' each year though (always has been - good lad!) and so I thought he would see the funny side of my 'little joke'.

Like father, like son!

He did in the end, of course and I am fulfilled in the knowledge now that I have managed to find another loving home for one of my little Elves. 'Ernie The Elf Belton' will watch over Jeff and look after him throughout his lifetime but Jeff has to be a 'good Dad' and care for Ernie as well. That Jeff was teaching Ernie all about broadcasting and giving him lots of cuddles as soon as he saw him tells me that they will be a 'match made in heaven'!

As for the CRAZY, Tony May, well, you will just have to work out for yourselves whether you think this post was really written by him or by me? Won't you?

That 'crazy' Tony May fella - or it it? HA HA

HO HO HO

Love and a Merry Christmas!

Santa Claus xx

P.S.) Mrs. Claus says to tell, Sally Patricia Gardner that though she does all of the cooking in our household she's quite happy to do so as I can't cook and she is hopeless with a hammer and chisel - unless I've upset her, of course! xx

'Do NOT Miss This Show!'

Well tickle my baubles, it's nearly Christmas!

I'm in a VERY silly mood this morning and looking forward to my Conquest Hospital Radio appearance tomorrow morning (from 9AM -Midday) on the, Jeff Belton show! Young Jeffers and I got together earlier in the week to put the final touches to the programme and run through what we are going to do BUT poor 'Sir Jeffrey' does not know of my 'fiendish' plan to put him in the record books as the 'first radio presenter to become a father live on air!' HA HA HA HA

Now, now, before you start writing in to have the show banned or start contacting the mental health services (not him AGAIN they will tell you!) you no need worry about an X rated radio broadcasting! As I revealed here in a previous post I have 'connections' to the Claus family and they have sent me a small vial of Father Christmas's MAGIC pixie dust! Our Jeffrey is going to be GOBSMACKED when he walks out of the studio tomorrow afternoon as a DAD with responsibilities and all of the commitments that go with it, OH YES! (lol)

So now, I mean, come on, HOW CAN YOU MISS SUCH A SHOW?

Packed with Christmas music, fun, jokes, CRAZY conversations and now this AMAZING feat to be performed for the first time anywhere in the world LIVE on radio you just HAVE to tune in, don't you?

HO HO HO and HA HA HA as well! (lol)

'Time's Going Too Fast! (lol)'

Oh, oh! I see the word 'December' has 'crept' onto the calendar already!

I am ' still fighting' to get prepared for Christmas this year and have missed my December the 1st deadline to have all cards written, presents bought, foreign cards sent and presents wrapped BUT I am doing much better than the previous two years when I ended up in total chaos and some people just got nothing at all!

The cost of sending real cards has gotten a bit silly these days though as I found out this morning. After having to shell out over £12 to send a dozen or so cards I cheekily asked the lady behind the counter if her bosses name happened to be 'Turpin' and if so if he liked riding horses? I can't say that she appreciated my sense of humour but then that's nothing new either today! (lol)

By gum, I'd LOVE to send us all back to the 1970's or 80's when everyone sent cards at Christmas time and you could have a joke with people!

Anyway, I have felt very 'blessed' the last week or so because I have been treated fabulously by a series of friends of late. Yesterday my 'old mucka', Jeff Belton and his wife, Wendy treated me to a three course Christmas meal at The Brickwall Hotel in Sedlescombe. Seeing as I have 'chipped in' and done a bit of hospital radio broadcasting this year they felt I deserved to attend the CHR Christmas meal. The Brickwall Hotel is a lovely old building with old oak beams, a real fireplace and plenty of 'period features' and I really enjoyed my visit there. The staff were all very smiley and friendly and the food was great! I had a bowl of spicy parsnip soup for starters followed by a traditional Christmas Turkey and stuffing meal (with all the trimmings) and a GORGEOUS (Darling) Raspberry cheesecake for afters. I'm a 'great man' for my Cheesecakes and know a good one from a bad one so they were under pressure not to disappoint! No worries though as this was definitely a GOOD one and I enjoyed it immensely.

I joked with one of the people I was sitting with that I was glad that we all had our names and our menu choices on little cards in front of us. "I'm not very good at following instruction and got into a lot of trouble a few years ago at a similar do", I said. "How was that, she (unwisely!) asked?" Well, I asked if they had a record of my menu choices as I'd forgotten them and they said "not to worry as they would send over what was mine". "Unfortunately, I then ate the waitress! (lol)"

Another person in our party remarked that 'The Brickwall Hotel' was a strange name for such a beautiful venue. "It's called The Brickwall Hotel because trying to get served here is like talking to a brick wall", I said, with a grin. Nothing could be further from the truth in actual fact as all of the staff were attentive to our needs and did everything with a smile. Considering how busy the Hotel was (another two functions were taking place at the same time as ours) that took some doing, I can tell you!

I'm hoping to get to Battle this afternoon to 'get my fill' of the festive atmosphere there is there every year and to get some footage and pics of the WONDERFUL Christmas tree that is 'in situ' on the Market Square this year in the centre of town. They know how to do Christmas trees properly in Battle with the bulbs all the way to the ground - unlike the 'we can't trust anyone who lives here not to nick or vandalise our bulbs' brigade that ensure all trees in Hastings only have bulbs at the top!

Grrr, don't get me started on that subject! (lol)

Not sure if I will be able to get many great pics or any decent footage as my camera doesn't really 'do' poor light shots that well but I will try if I can and (hopefully) post some of the results here.

Oh well, toodle-pip for now - onwards and further downward as I always say! (lol) xx

'A Truly Magical Radio Show!'

Well, well, well I am so excited that I'm like a kid the night before Christmas Eve writing this!

In case you didn't know already I am to be a 'special guest' on Jeff Belton's 'Christmas Jamboree Bag' Breakfast Show on CHR (Conquest Hospital Radio) Christmas Eve and I have just had a personal message from someone VERY SPECIAL to tell me that he is also going to make a personal appearance on the show!

Now, before you go thinking of this person being 'a certain gent who wears a red suit' there is NO WAY that he will be able to make it! Oh no, he will be 'up to his sleigh bells' in preparation work by then! I tell you what though, 'our Jeffrey' is going to be in for a BIG SURPRISE when this person turns up, 'POOF! as if by magic" from out of nowhere! I can't wait to see the look on his face! (lol)

See, what I haven't told, Jeff yet is that I am RELATED to the Christmas Family! How else do you think I get the inspiration for all of the festive Christmas songs I write, eh? Oh yes, I'm in the PERFECT position to 'call in a few favours' when it comes to my festive activities!

Jeff and I will be 'on the air' from 9am until midday on Christmas Eve and he and I have put together a FABULOUSLY Christmassy and fun playlist that will really put you in a good mood for the whole of Christmas. In amongst the chat, fun & frolics there will be plenty of Christmas music - hits old and new - plus a few awesome festive songs you may not have heard. All era's and styles will be covered as well because Christmas is for EVERYONE, right?

Oh, and I should also tell you that it is FREE to listen in as well via the Conquest Hospital Radio website so, go on, tell all your friends and mark it on your calendar now so you don't forget!

Start your Christmas off the right way this year with the Jeff Belton Christmas Jamboree Bag Show!

'Festive Fun On The Jeff Belton Show'

I had a really fun time this morning as the 'special guest' of Jeff Belton on his 'Full English' Breakfast Show on Conquest Hospital Radio. Jeff is very much a 'big kid' like me and I think we are going to be friends, which is nice. He contacted my old boss, Alan 'Johnny Mason' Esdaile about me after I appeared on Alan's 60's and 70's show on the station when he found out that I had a Christmas song out (it was actually an album) and I went to meet him at his house for a chat. We got on like a house on fire and so he booked me to appear on the show today. I'm hoping to get hold of a CD with the show on it as Jeff played about 5 or 6 of my songs so I really did feel like the 'star guest'!

Jeff Belton - Complete with cracker party hat!

Its AMAZING what the power of encouragement can do, you know? Just gaining a bit of recognition for my 'musical achievements' of late has made a HUGE difference to how I feel and the feedback from 'A Nod To Mr.Dickens' has been pretty much universally positive!  

I could get used to this 'radio lark' I tell you and will definitely consider volunteering up at The Conquest myself in the future if I get the chance. I say 'if' as its a worrying world we live in these days and as I'm off up to Yorkshire (to the Dickensian event at Grassington) I've got the 'jitters' about being in amongst a large crowd at this time of year. How HORRID is that? Surely we should not have to worry more about the risk of terrorism than think about the TRUE spirit of Christmas and 'good will to all men', should we?

Two idiots in their element!

With talk of 'driverless cars' and 'automated criminal justice systems' not far into the future now though I realise how far off base I have become with the modern world. I guess that's why I LOVE remembering my childhood and trying to recreate my idea of what Christmas means and is all about on record. Jeff LOVES 'If Santa Was A D.J.' and I still think that track is a 'hit in waiting'. It was truly WONDERFUL to play the fool with Jeff live on air this morning and have some good, clean and honest fun for a change. We had a listener tune in from Russia and so Jeff and I waxed on about the KGB secretly listening in and how they might all be doing the Gap Band dance in Moscow! (lol)

The world could be a much better place I reckon if we could all just accept our differences and learn to 'give each other some personal space sometimes'. The snag with the human race is that we are a) eternally nosey and b) rather greedy and selfish - not a goods combination when you are talking about people, land and cultures!

The festive scene In the studio!

Personally, I think there should be more 'fun' D.J.'s like Jeff Belton on the radio! One minute he's 'rambling on' in a Tony Blackburn kind of way, the next he is talking to his own impression of Frank Spencer! What a BOY! (lol) No wonder he picked a crazy old buzzard like me to appear on his show! I even took a couple of Christmas crackers with me and we pulled them live on air! I actually 'won' one of the prizes and got one of those little spinning tops (which I love!). Maybe me and Jeff could become the next 'Mark And Lard'? I still remember creasing up with laughter when I heard them play Lards scratchy version of 'Mull Of Kintyre' on the air- complete with its 'dodgy' jumps and skips!

Jeff, signing my autograph book...

Jeff is going to see if he can get a recording of the show uploaded to Mixcloud - if he does I will post a link! 

Merry Christmas!

'The BIG D Is Here!'

By jove! It's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas outside now, isn't it? I think we are in for a chilly festive season this year and there might even be a chance of a truly 'White Christmas'!

The very beautiful Church-in-the-Wood

Now, you might think that we get a lot of White Christmases in this country but in actual fact in the South East of England its pretty rare to see a single snowflake fall on Christmas Day. There have been 10 official white Christmases in my area since 1960 and the last was back in 2004. According my search on the Internet it is odds on that 2017 will be a white Christmas with Ladbrokes so I might get my 'magical carpet of fun' to scrunch around in on the big day again this year!

Sadly, I don't have too many candidates to throw snowballs at though now so any White Christmas would most likely be spend out with my camera making LOVELY films and taking pictures. As I habitually love to make a fresh Christmas video single each year I can eventually use all the footage of snowy scenes and festive places I can get...

Hopefully the bus service will be better than 2004!

On that front I am due back in the studio with my mate, Harvey Summers on the 4th of this month to try and put the finishing touches to this year's song, 'Heart Full Of Joy'. I like the song very much and find it a jolly one to sing so am hoping to learn it properly in time to be able to perform it at a few social gatherings over the Christmas season. We are nearly there with the bulk of the song so I'm hopeful that the 4th will give us enough time to complete work on the track to my satisfaction. I have also been invited to be a guest on the Jeff Belton Conquest Hospital Radio Breakfast Show on the 6th of December to 'have a laugh' and play some selections from, 'A Nod To Mr.Dickens'. If you like you can tune in to that from 9am -11am here...http://www.conquesthospitalradio.co.uk

I went up to meet Jeff at his home last week to discuss the album and his plans for the show and we got on like a house on fire! Talk about a 'big kid' like me! Jeff has his own 'man cave' full of CD's, musical equipment, records and the like that looks suspiciously like my bedroom upstairs and I am looking forward to being a part of his 'full english' breakfast show!

Finally, I have had a GREAT day today with my friend, Yvonne at the R.O.A.R. Christmas meal at Pevensey Bay. A three course meal for a £10, good company and a few drinks with  plenty of festive chat and memories was the perfect way to start the 'D month' and I have a lovely warm glow inside me writing this!

A cute little guy, isn't he!

Let's hope that the rest of this month turn out to be as happy, eh?