'No Show For My Christmas Show Thanks to Mr. C'

 Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear! This year has been a real bar-steward hasn't it! As I expect you found out this morning, in spite of all of our efforts planning it my Christmas appearance on C.H. R. (Conquest Hospital Radio) had to be cancelled at the last minute because of the pandemic. Jeff Belton and I were prepared to go to the Conquest and do the show but with Hastings & St Leonards in a bad way with new infections and the Conquest housing a good many Covid patients now the head of C.H.R. decided the safest thing to do was to cancel all live shows for the time being...

As GUTTED as I was to hear the news yesterday I can't say that I blame him. There might be a chance (depending on what happens with the virus) that Jeff and I will get to do the show at a later date but even if we do it won't be quite the same as doing it in the run up to Christmas.

ANYWAY, no point in dwelling on spilt milk and so I think to cheer you up a bit I will tell you a few of the 'crap jokes' I had written especially for the show - that way you will be GLAD that it was cancelled! (lol)

Here goes...

Have you ever stopped to think about how thousands of women have babies delivered each year and yet you never see anyone sign for them on the doorstep.

My mum said that she wanted something sweet for Christmas this year - so I bought her a sofa.

My Doctor always tells me that I am on a diet entirely of my own making - in the respect that no matter what he tells me to do I am determined to eat what I like until I die!

Why are Artists always tougher than the best Boxers? Because once they get their brushes out and start painting they can put anyone on the canvas!

(This one isn't mine but it's definitely crap enough to have been!) What do you call Father Christmas without any underpants on? - Saint Knickerless! 

So then,  I bet you feel better about missing out on my show now! (lol)

Still, it is not all misery here at the moment. I have had a lot more crimbo cards show up in the post and a few 'mystery' presents as well... what was that? What do I mean 'mystery present' - don't I know who they are from? Oh, I know who they are from alright it's just a mystery why anyone would want to buy me anything in the first place! (lol)

I have been a 'good boy' though so far and not 'peeked' at any of the gifts I've recieved, well, bar one that I didn't realise was a Christmas present and opened by mistake! I suspect I have a new CD to enjoy from my old mate, Dave Arnold along with a card and Jeff and Wendy Belton delived (from a social distance!) a lovely plant that they said contained a 'surprise'... Well, I wasn't sure how a plant could 'hide a surprise' so was intregued... It was a lovely, tall and green plant with funny shaped leaves and it 'ponged' a bit but I could not find anything hidden about 'it's person' at all? Just as I was about to give up on discovering the secret of its surprise there was a knock at the front door. It was two burly Policemen! Turns out my 'gift' is a Cannabis plant and the 'surprise' is about 3 months starting from January 10th according to the Cheif Inspector!  I pleaded my innocence of course but all to no avail - I guess I should have worried when I saw the little card that came with it said 'With love from Ernie The Elf' - Jeff Belton never has forgiven me for my stunt in 'making him a father live on air' two years ago! (lol)

Now, just in case you are a member of the police reading this - I am of course 'extracting the urine' with the above JOKE and do not wish to be raided! The nearest I get to 'pot' is twisting my ankle while crossing the road and the only smoke I ever see is when I burn all my old betting slips!

What? I'm talking a load of.... 

Well of course I am! I've got to fill up some space on this blog SOMEHOW this Christmas! It's not as if I can show you all pics of my 'adventures' like normal is it?

Oh well, time to love and leave you for now but as Arnie says 'I'll be back'!

'Dear Old Des'

 I was so very sad to hear of the death of Des O’ Connor on the 14th of November. Des was such a wonderful entertainer and someone whose ‘twinkle in his eye’ and infectious laugh made you feel better just watching. So much of T.V. today is made up of programmes that either ‘have something to say’, are controversial, show life in its harshest terms (and therefore scare the living daylights out of you like ‘Cant Pay, We’ll Take It Away’) or feature ‘comedy’ that revolves around smug, middle aged journalist types making sarcastic comments about celebrities. How I miss ‘gentle humour’ on television and shows like ‘Play Your Cards Right’, ‘The Price Is Right’ ‘3-2-1’, and ‘The Generation Game’ that were just fun, frivolous and about as far away from politics as you can get! T.V. in the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s was designed to cheer you up and make you feel better about your lot - however rotten that may have been with constant strikes, power cuts, the cold war, The Berlin wall and the threat of nuclear war with Russia! 

Where has our ability to laugh at ourselves gone? No-one was better at that than Des! The ‘stick’ that he perpetually got about his singing from Morecambe & Wise would have been the cause of one of the longest court cases of all time today! ‘Leg-pulling’ used to be a fundamental part of British life and in many cases we only knew who our real friends were by the apparent severity of their ‘insults’ when speaking to us! (lol) Humour used to be the ‘backbone of the British stiff upper lip’ and yet today you really have to stop and think twice before saying anything to some people….

Nah, give me the Des O’ Connor show any day! What with madcap antics from guest Freddie Starr, music, showbiz and some fascinating celebrity interviews full of laughter and ‘stories from inside the business’ we would otherwise never have heard Des and his smile were the perfect accompaniment to the twinkle of our Christmas tree lights and the sparkling tinsel reflected in our sherry glasses.

Fortunately, I will be able to spend a little time with Des this Christmas as I have his Christmas album on vinyl! Sadly, it doesn’t feature his festive single on Pye records from 1978 ‘Yes, There Is A Santa Claus/ At Christmas’ - that can be found on the Hallmark compilation Lp ‘Christmas With The Stars’ - but it is full of the ‘usual Christmas songs’ and will serve as a nice reminder for me this year of Des spreading his typical ray of sunshine on everything.

Images courtesy of Discogs.com

As if to provide long-suffering Des with ‘one last parting insult’ it ‘tickled’ me to discover on Discogs.com  that not a single person owns ‘Yes, There Is A Santa Claus’ on 7” on the site nor has anyone said that they want one! What Eric Morecambe would have made out of that ‘ammunition’ is anyones guess! (lol) I’m willing to bet though that Des himself would think it both funny and in a perverse way quite fitting and would most likely have come out with a quip like ‘I knew it would be popular when I was making the album! as his response.

R.I. P. Des and THANK YOU SO MUCH for all of the happy memories - if I can find a copy of ‘Yes, There Is A Santa Claus’ on CD in time I promise I will play it on my old mate Jeff Belton’s C.H.R. (Conquest Hospital Radio) Christmas show on the 23rd of December (9A.m-12 midday U.K. time)…it should do more to solve the problem of bed blocking than coronavirus ever will!

'Time's Going Too Fast! (lol)'

Oh, oh! I see the word 'December' has 'crept' onto the calendar already!

I am ' still fighting' to get prepared for Christmas this year and have missed my December the 1st deadline to have all cards written, presents bought, foreign cards sent and presents wrapped BUT I am doing much better than the previous two years when I ended up in total chaos and some people just got nothing at all!

The cost of sending real cards has gotten a bit silly these days though as I found out this morning. After having to shell out over £12 to send a dozen or so cards I cheekily asked the lady behind the counter if her bosses name happened to be 'Turpin' and if so if he liked riding horses? I can't say that she appreciated my sense of humour but then that's nothing new either today! (lol)

By gum, I'd LOVE to send us all back to the 1970's or 80's when everyone sent cards at Christmas time and you could have a joke with people!

Anyway, I have felt very 'blessed' the last week or so because I have been treated fabulously by a series of friends of late. Yesterday my 'old mucka', Jeff Belton and his wife, Wendy treated me to a three course Christmas meal at The Brickwall Hotel in Sedlescombe. Seeing as I have 'chipped in' and done a bit of hospital radio broadcasting this year they felt I deserved to attend the CHR Christmas meal. The Brickwall Hotel is a lovely old building with old oak beams, a real fireplace and plenty of 'period features' and I really enjoyed my visit there. The staff were all very smiley and friendly and the food was great! I had a bowl of spicy parsnip soup for starters followed by a traditional Christmas Turkey and stuffing meal (with all the trimmings) and a GORGEOUS (Darling) Raspberry cheesecake for afters. I'm a 'great man' for my Cheesecakes and know a good one from a bad one so they were under pressure not to disappoint! No worries though as this was definitely a GOOD one and I enjoyed it immensely.

I joked with one of the people I was sitting with that I was glad that we all had our names and our menu choices on little cards in front of us. "I'm not very good at following instruction and got into a lot of trouble a few years ago at a similar do", I said. "How was that, she (unwisely!) asked?" Well, I asked if they had a record of my menu choices as I'd forgotten them and they said "not to worry as they would send over what was mine". "Unfortunately, I then ate the waitress! (lol)"

Another person in our party remarked that 'The Brickwall Hotel' was a strange name for such a beautiful venue. "It's called The Brickwall Hotel because trying to get served here is like talking to a brick wall", I said, with a grin. Nothing could be further from the truth in actual fact as all of the staff were attentive to our needs and did everything with a smile. Considering how busy the Hotel was (another two functions were taking place at the same time as ours) that took some doing, I can tell you!

I'm hoping to get to Battle this afternoon to 'get my fill' of the festive atmosphere there is there every year and to get some footage and pics of the WONDERFUL Christmas tree that is 'in situ' on the Market Square this year in the centre of town. They know how to do Christmas trees properly in Battle with the bulbs all the way to the ground - unlike the 'we can't trust anyone who lives here not to nick or vandalise our bulbs' brigade that ensure all trees in Hastings only have bulbs at the top!

Grrr, don't get me started on that subject! (lol)

Not sure if I will be able to get many great pics or any decent footage as my camera doesn't really 'do' poor light shots that well but I will try if I can and (hopefully) post some of the results here.

Oh well, toodle-pip for now - onwards and further downward as I always say! (lol) xx

'A Family Christmas?'

Heres something that I hope will put a smile on your face this December! I wrote this a few years ago as part of a series of 'Tall Tales' based on ridiculous ideas that - the Battle Of Hastings was a misunderstanding over a game of conkers - The Beatles were named in memory of a charity darts match and that Politicians were going to penalise those who die before the age of retirement by creating a 'bucket tax'...hang on a minute, that's NOT such a crazy idea is it! (lol)

Anyway, I think this sums up a lot of peoples festive 'sessions' so have a read and a good laugh!

Is Christmas not a time for celebration, frivolity, hilarity, good will to all men, hugs kisses and thoughts of peace? Do we not all welcome ‘rarely seen’ relatives from afar with open arms? Embrace our Mother In Law and our sisters 16 children tenderly?  Share laughter filled evenings playing parlour games and chatting over a glass of wine?

 What? What was that? What planet am I on?

Let’s face it folks, for most of us Christmas is usually enough to make a months holiday in February to the beach at Rock A Nore with Victor Meldrew seem like the ideal package holiday!

Every year, families right across Hastings find themselves ‘treated’ to twelve day’s of Christmas as only the Devil himself could devise. Screaming kids ‘whoop’ as they play noisy computer games, jump up and down on your new settee or delight in teasing the Cat. Family feuds ‘come home to roost’ over the Christmas meal and ‘the missus’ storms off upstairs ‘never to speak to you or your disgusting family again’ while her mother reminds everyone why ‘she always said her daughter should never have married you’. Then of course there are the ‘armies’ of Carol singers that interrupt your ‘serene and blissful existence’. With their horrendously off key versions of ‘We Wish You A Merry Christmas’ they throw snowballs at your windows if you don’t part with a few quid.  Have you noticed how they always stop singing as soon as you give them some money? Its as if their visit is in some way intended as some kind of ‘Christmas Protection Racket’- you give them some cash to go away and they in return put you out of your misery. It’s all perfectly fair really you know?

Ah yes, it always feels good to finish work on Dec 24th after 24 days of continuous overtime for your ‘Christmas Holiday’. As long as you’re not late for work on Boxing Day morning you will qualify for your £15 Christmas voucher (minus tax of course) that you can spend on anything you like in store (as long as it is out of code) to thank you for your loyalty throughout the year.

The best thing about Christmas though is of course the giving and receiving of presents…

You spend an absolute fortune on your relatives – enough to put you in debt for the next three months or so only then on Christmas day to watch them unwrap their gifts and ‘sniff’ at the contents of your ‘lovingly’ wrapped parcels. “Got this already” little Jimmy glares up at you as he tosses the £49 computer game onto his ‘what a load of rubbish’ pile.  “You know I hate blue Nana’ shouts 10 year old Sophie bursting into tears, throwing her half unwrapped new dress to the floor and storming off to her room.

 The one consolation in all of this is that you at least get to do your own ‘annual amateur dramatics’ when opening your own gifts. “Oh Mum, what a lovely present!” You gush at the 9^th pair of slippers you’ve received in so many years. “Socks and pants to” you continue mouth open and wide-eyed. “So useful” pipe up the rest of the family as the world stops still for a moment like in those old horror movies.

Then of course there’s the card writing – how you love to make up witty slogans and buy ‘just the card that’s right’ for each of your relatives. You even hold out hope at that point that they will buy you a decent card themselves this year rather than one of those ‘deluxe’ cards in packs of ten from Tesco’s for a quid.  Seventeen year old ‘Eco Warrior’ Simon even manages to get out of giving you a card or wrapping your present at all under the guise of ‘saving the planet’ and you have to smile sweetly as you take a crumpled looking box of chocolates out of a re-used supermarket carrier bag that smells like old boxer shorts.

Finally, there’s the age difference to deal with…

 “Oh God not the bloody Wizzard Of Oz AGAIN (tut tut). They put that on every single year, that and John Wayne in Stagecoach” chips in Grandad watching the telly at deafening volume while the kids chase each other around the Christmas tree.  Over the years, you’ve noticed how Grandad always likes to add his own special brand of Christmas cheer to the holiday season.  “That’s what I’d like to do to the little toe rags round here that keep vandalising everything. I wouldn’t mess about I tell you, I’d shoot the bastards” he always bellows watching the news after the Queen’s speech. The then follows a five or ten minute lecture on the state of the law in this country today and how that Farmer Tony somebody went wrong because he didn’t shoot BOTH of the burglars that kept breaking into his farm. This is traditionally followed by an announcement that National Service should be brought back and then (while standing to attention) the whole family are forced to listen to 15 minutes of “when I was in the army” stories and told how you had to learn discipline in those days. “If the Sergeant Major said jump you bloody well jumped!” ending up as the punch line.

Yes, it’s a grand time of the year is Christmas… I bet you can’t wait!

So, if any of you have Victor Meldrew’s address – do me a favour?  Drop Jim Hollands a line and ask him to pass it on to me.

HA HA HA

Merry Christmas to you all!