'No Show For My Christmas Show Thanks to Mr. C'

 Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear! This year has been a real bar-steward hasn't it! As I expect you found out this morning, in spite of all of our efforts planning it my Christmas appearance on C.H. R. (Conquest Hospital Radio) had to be cancelled at the last minute because of the pandemic. Jeff Belton and I were prepared to go to the Conquest and do the show but with Hastings & St Leonards in a bad way with new infections and the Conquest housing a good many Covid patients now the head of C.H.R. decided the safest thing to do was to cancel all live shows for the time being...

As GUTTED as I was to hear the news yesterday I can't say that I blame him. There might be a chance (depending on what happens with the virus) that Jeff and I will get to do the show at a later date but even if we do it won't be quite the same as doing it in the run up to Christmas.

ANYWAY, no point in dwelling on spilt milk and so I think to cheer you up a bit I will tell you a few of the 'crap jokes' I had written especially for the show - that way you will be GLAD that it was cancelled! (lol)

Here goes...

Have you ever stopped to think about how thousands of women have babies delivered each year and yet you never see anyone sign for them on the doorstep.

My mum said that she wanted something sweet for Christmas this year - so I bought her a sofa.

My Doctor always tells me that I am on a diet entirely of my own making - in the respect that no matter what he tells me to do I am determined to eat what I like until I die!

Why are Artists always tougher than the best Boxers? Because once they get their brushes out and start painting they can put anyone on the canvas!

(This one isn't mine but it's definitely crap enough to have been!) What do you call Father Christmas without any underpants on? - Saint Knickerless! 

So then,  I bet you feel better about missing out on my show now! (lol)

Still, it is not all misery here at the moment. I have had a lot more crimbo cards show up in the post and a few 'mystery' presents as well... what was that? What do I mean 'mystery present' - don't I know who they are from? Oh, I know who they are from alright it's just a mystery why anyone would want to buy me anything in the first place! (lol)

I have been a 'good boy' though so far and not 'peeked' at any of the gifts I've recieved, well, bar one that I didn't realise was a Christmas present and opened by mistake! I suspect I have a new CD to enjoy from my old mate, Dave Arnold along with a card and Jeff and Wendy Belton delived (from a social distance!) a lovely plant that they said contained a 'surprise'... Well, I wasn't sure how a plant could 'hide a surprise' so was intregued... It was a lovely, tall and green plant with funny shaped leaves and it 'ponged' a bit but I could not find anything hidden about 'it's person' at all? Just as I was about to give up on discovering the secret of its surprise there was a knock at the front door. It was two burly Policemen! Turns out my 'gift' is a Cannabis plant and the 'surprise' is about 3 months starting from January 10th according to the Cheif Inspector!  I pleaded my innocence of course but all to no avail - I guess I should have worried when I saw the little card that came with it said 'With love from Ernie The Elf' - Jeff Belton never has forgiven me for my stunt in 'making him a father live on air' two years ago! (lol)

Now, just in case you are a member of the police reading this - I am of course 'extracting the urine' with the above JOKE and do not wish to be raided! The nearest I get to 'pot' is twisting my ankle while crossing the road and the only smoke I ever see is when I burn all my old betting slips!

What? I'm talking a load of.... 

Well of course I am! I've got to fill up some space on this blog SOMEHOW this Christmas! It's not as if I can show you all pics of my 'adventures' like normal is it?

Oh well, time to love and leave you for now but as Arnie says 'I'll be back'!

'The Joy Of Human Interaction!'

 Well, December is 'racing away' again as usual! Even in this 'lockdown' year it seems impossible to get Christmas organised, sorted, written, sent and delivered!

I have this morning though been out doing some delivering. Rather than walk round and round my new 'exercise yard' at the cycle bowl at the end of my road I decided today that I would be thrifty and walk around Hollington delivering Christmas cards to my friends houses and save myself some money on postage. To be honest, I am NOT surprised these days to see Post Office staff wearing masks and gloves because the prices charged now for stamps/parcel deliveries is daylight robbery! (lol) Even second class stamps cost you an arm and a leg and I hear first class will be about 90p soon! I know e mail and online electronic cards has knocked the amount of physical cards being sent down a lot but continually raising prices is only going to cut the Post Office's business even more! 

Anyway, I walked about three miles in total and saved myself at least 4 stamps in the bargain so that is another £2 something I can use to help buy Christmas presents. Saving cash every way that I can is a priority for me these days but I will always spend money happily on presents for people because friends, family and lovers (if you're lucky enough to have one!) are worth every penny!

There is no substitute for human interaction and just things like sharing a joke with a stranger in the street can help cheer you up. On my way back from delivering my cards this morning I saw two guys trying to deliver a settee up a tricky flight of steps. I stood and watched them struggling and so when they turned around one of them said to me in a jovial tone "You were waiting for us to fail, weren't you"! "Now you know what happens when someone says they want something suite for Christmas!" I called back as quick as a flash. Both guys roared with laughter and we all went away happier and grinning to ourselves.

Talking about grinning - my old mate, Jeff Belton and I put the finishing touches to our Christmas radio show the other day. You have no idea how much work there is that goes into preparing a radio show if you've never done one before. Oh  no! When you switch on your radio or listen online and it all sounds very 'off the cuff' you think that all a D.J. does for his money is turn up, play records, talk a bit and then 'bugger off home' but there is a LOT more to making a good show than that! 'Winging it' does play its part in any live radio broadcast though because you never know what can happen or how the atmosphere in the studio is going to feel on the day. It's the same when you are making records and recording in a recording studio - some days the 'atmosphere just works' and you and the people you are working with just click. Other days it feels awkward and what you get sounds 'forced' rather than natural and inspired. All you can do in either case though is do your homework, prepare and get a clear picture in your mind about what you are hoping to achieve and then hope for the best!

Finally for today, I also took part in a 'Creative Writing' session on zoom last Thursday with Artsonprescription and one of the exercises we were given to do was to use part of a poem by Kitty Wright called 'My Dream Box' to create our own poem 'in that style'. I was quite pleased with what I came up with because, not only do I think it says a lot about me and how I am feeling at the moment, it has a wonderfully quirky 'pattern of thoughts' about it. Have a read and see what you think?

My Dream Box

I will put in the box

A journey endlessly up and down the escalators at Debenhams

Thoughts of family and friends

Smiling faces, laughter and a cinematic illusion of togetherness

I will put in the box

The safety pin from God’s nappy

A bottle of Kinnie from sunny Malta

My ipod complete with never ending batteries rechargeable by love

My box shall appear as a Christmas box

Wrapped in paper with ribbon it shall be tied

It’s strength an inner resolve and unending magic

I will dream in my box

Of romantic liasons, candle lit moments

And of how words allowed actions to speak.

Antony May 3/12/20

'Under A Week To Go!'

Not long until the big day now! The weather is 'suitably un-festive' though (as usual) and its teeming down with rain again this morning. My cold is also hanging on longer than those 'friends & relatives' that come to stay at Christmas each year and has now gone on to my chest! (lol)

The smiley, Kate Rosie from 'Teddy Tinkers' in London Rd

OTHER THAN THAT (lol) I have been enjoying the run up to Christmas Day and attended a Christmas Barbeque Party thrown by the very FABULOUS, Kate Rosie from 'Teddy Tinkers'. As you might expect in mid December we had LOVELY weather and Kate said the burgers were lovely (if you could catch them) and the sausages divine (as long as you could lift your snorkel out of the way enough to take a bite).

So it rained then?

Oh yes! Just a tad! But it didn't dampen the Christmas spirit and everyone had a great time. I got three 'very dubious considering my single status' presents on the night as well. Three boxes of 'lucky dip presents' had been put together and we all had to choose one at random times during the evening. The three boxes were entitled 'Boys', 'Girls' and 'Not Sure' and I (without consciously thinking) picked my first gift from the 'Not Sure' box. Well! I got a small metal SHEEP for my pains made by Kate's hubbie, Alex!

The irony of these gifts will not be lost on the universe!

Now, most of you who know me will have burst out laughing at this - you rotten swines! (lol) The next 'random gift' I got turned out to be 11,000 of toy pirate money! You can buy a LOT of metal SHEEP with that, oh yes! (lol) Thankfully, the final gift I received was a simple biro with a football on the top - nothing 'double entendre' about that you might say but I would point out that potentially all three gifts involve playing with balls! (lol)

Oh dear, that REALLY is a GRIM joke, isn't it? By gum, you can soon tell reading this blog how far 'stuck up my own era' I am, can't you? My one defence being that if you can't have a bit of fun and 'let your hair down' (FAT CHANCE OF THAT!) at Christmas then when can you?

Talking of people 'having a bit of fun' I saw a chap in the street the other day wearing a suit made to look like Christmas wrapping paper! Bright red it was and he had a 'sparkly' sequinned red hat on as well. The suit was quite well made as well - not a 'home-made' job and he told me when I stopped him to say "well done and Happy Christmas" that there is a company now selling them on the Internet.

GREAT to see a few PRO Christmas things coming from the digital age and i really hope more people will decide to buy one to wear 'for a laugh' at Christmas! I would have asked him for a photo but he was with a lady and she was a 'vulnerable adult' and so I didn't think it appropriate. He must be a 'good lad' I reckon as he probably works in the care industry - Santa won't forget him on December the 25th, I'm sure of that!

I did my bit later that day to 'spread the insanity of Christmas' when with my friend, Stephanie in the Hanushka Coffee House in George Street (Hastings Old Town). Sitting there wearing my Christmas jumper that makes me look as if I am wearing a Santa suit I asked Stephanie whether she was 'suitably humiliated to be seen with me in public yet or not?' Stephanie (who knows me of old) grinned and denied that she was - so to make sure of it I opened my shoulder bag and pulled out a large Elf hat with a bell on the end and sat there wearing that as well! To say that I got a few "Oh, GOD PLEEEESSSE' looks from the 'miserable git community' was an understatement but quite a few people who were in the shop already or who walked in and spotted me thought it was fun!

I LOVE spreading a bit of good cheer and insanity at this time of year and for every person who thinks its 'pathetic for a man of my age' there are two (or more) who smile. Smiles are what we need more than ever in the world at the moment and so I shall continue to be as 'daft as a brush' in public places at Christmastime no matter what!

Love Tony xxx

'Time's Going Too Fast! (lol)'

Oh, oh! I see the word 'December' has 'crept' onto the calendar already!

I am ' still fighting' to get prepared for Christmas this year and have missed my December the 1st deadline to have all cards written, presents bought, foreign cards sent and presents wrapped BUT I am doing much better than the previous two years when I ended up in total chaos and some people just got nothing at all!

The cost of sending real cards has gotten a bit silly these days though as I found out this morning. After having to shell out over £12 to send a dozen or so cards I cheekily asked the lady behind the counter if her bosses name happened to be 'Turpin' and if so if he liked riding horses? I can't say that she appreciated my sense of humour but then that's nothing new either today! (lol)

By gum, I'd LOVE to send us all back to the 1970's or 80's when everyone sent cards at Christmas time and you could have a joke with people!

Anyway, I have felt very 'blessed' the last week or so because I have been treated fabulously by a series of friends of late. Yesterday my 'old mucka', Jeff Belton and his wife, Wendy treated me to a three course Christmas meal at The Brickwall Hotel in Sedlescombe. Seeing as I have 'chipped in' and done a bit of hospital radio broadcasting this year they felt I deserved to attend the CHR Christmas meal. The Brickwall Hotel is a lovely old building with old oak beams, a real fireplace and plenty of 'period features' and I really enjoyed my visit there. The staff were all very smiley and friendly and the food was great! I had a bowl of spicy parsnip soup for starters followed by a traditional Christmas Turkey and stuffing meal (with all the trimmings) and a GORGEOUS (Darling) Raspberry cheesecake for afters. I'm a 'great man' for my Cheesecakes and know a good one from a bad one so they were under pressure not to disappoint! No worries though as this was definitely a GOOD one and I enjoyed it immensely.

I joked with one of the people I was sitting with that I was glad that we all had our names and our menu choices on little cards in front of us. "I'm not very good at following instruction and got into a lot of trouble a few years ago at a similar do", I said. "How was that, she (unwisely!) asked?" Well, I asked if they had a record of my menu choices as I'd forgotten them and they said "not to worry as they would send over what was mine". "Unfortunately, I then ate the waitress! (lol)"

Another person in our party remarked that 'The Brickwall Hotel' was a strange name for such a beautiful venue. "It's called The Brickwall Hotel because trying to get served here is like talking to a brick wall", I said, with a grin. Nothing could be further from the truth in actual fact as all of the staff were attentive to our needs and did everything with a smile. Considering how busy the Hotel was (another two functions were taking place at the same time as ours) that took some doing, I can tell you!

I'm hoping to get to Battle this afternoon to 'get my fill' of the festive atmosphere there is there every year and to get some footage and pics of the WONDERFUL Christmas tree that is 'in situ' on the Market Square this year in the centre of town. They know how to do Christmas trees properly in Battle with the bulbs all the way to the ground - unlike the 'we can't trust anyone who lives here not to nick or vandalise our bulbs' brigade that ensure all trees in Hastings only have bulbs at the top!

Grrr, don't get me started on that subject! (lol)

Not sure if I will be able to get many great pics or any decent footage as my camera doesn't really 'do' poor light shots that well but I will try if I can and (hopefully) post some of the results here.

Oh well, toodle-pip for now - onwards and further downward as I always say! (lol) xx