'I Say! Have A Discomknockeratingly Merry Christmas!'

Thinking back to the days of innocent, gloriously daft and incredibly silly humour leads my mind straight to the door of one of this countries best loved comics - Ken Dodd. I used to love 'The Diddymen' and really wish it was possible today to buy some of their television series on DVD. Amazingly, seeing how popular Ken still is today, as far as I can tell not one such DVD exists? Whether Ken owns the rights and is holding back for some reason or whether the shows were 'wiped' years ago and have been lost to history I don't know but for those of us who loved the little stereotypical chaps its a real downer!

Take a listen to this classic diddy song from 1967 and tell me that it isn't enough to make you 'rush out into the middle of the street in broad daylight and mercilessly attack your local vicar with your tickling stick while singing 'Nearer my God to Thee'! HA HA HA

See what I mean? One mention of dear Ken and his little diddypals and all of my inhibitions have flown out of the window - along with probably three or four years of my life if the local constabulary hear of my treatment of the vicar -...

In a way its amazing that I remember 'The Diddy Men' at all. I was born in 1965 sure but most of my earliest memories are not until much later. I don't actually remember ANY individual incidents from my very early years but instead have a great connection with my overall feeling of happiness from that period. Don't you think that's strange? Its like loving someone unconditionally whom you cannot recall a single special time with, isn't it? I think that either says a lot about me and my retrogressive mindset these days  or proves what a sentimental old twit I am for holding on to the past for dear life...

Ken Dodd & The Diddy Men Audio Fun

I saw an interview with Ken on television the other morning. Fern Britton is always worth watching and she interviewed Ken in his beloved Liverpool. Ken came across very well I thought. He is obviously a fiercely private person ( he mentioned disliking 'nosey parkers' to Fern at one point in the interview which made her blush a bit!) but for all that he loves to keep himself to himself when Ken Dodd the performer, comedian, actor or singer takes to the streets or the stage he gives everything of himself to us all. THANK YOU for that Ken - we do appreciate it. Mind you, your revelation that you sometimes wear socks in bed may go against your eventual legacy! HA HA HA

In fact, Christmas was made for Ken Dodd. What better time of year could there possibly be to encourage people to laugh their socks off while tickling someone under the armpit whose juggling? HA HA

If you see this Ken, have a merrytattifabulous, slightly discomknockerating and extremely Turkey marmalising Christmas!

'A Family Christmas?'

Heres something that I hope will put a smile on your face this December! I wrote this a few years ago as part of a series of 'Tall Tales' based on ridiculous ideas that - the Battle Of Hastings was a misunderstanding over a game of conkers - The Beatles were named in memory of a charity darts match and that Politicians were going to penalise those who die before the age of retirement by creating a 'bucket tax'...hang on a minute, that's NOT such a crazy idea is it! (lol)

Anyway, I think this sums up a lot of peoples festive 'sessions' so have a read and a good laugh!

Is Christmas not a time for celebration, frivolity, hilarity, good will to all men, hugs kisses and thoughts of peace? Do we not all welcome ‘rarely seen’ relatives from afar with open arms? Embrace our Mother In Law and our sisters 16 children tenderly?  Share laughter filled evenings playing parlour games and chatting over a glass of wine?

 What? What was that? What planet am I on?

Let’s face it folks, for most of us Christmas is usually enough to make a months holiday in February to the beach at Rock A Nore with Victor Meldrew seem like the ideal package holiday!

Every year, families right across Hastings find themselves ‘treated’ to twelve day’s of Christmas as only the Devil himself could devise. Screaming kids ‘whoop’ as they play noisy computer games, jump up and down on your new settee or delight in teasing the Cat. Family feuds ‘come home to roost’ over the Christmas meal and ‘the missus’ storms off upstairs ‘never to speak to you or your disgusting family again’ while her mother reminds everyone why ‘she always said her daughter should never have married you’. Then of course there are the ‘armies’ of Carol singers that interrupt your ‘serene and blissful existence’. With their horrendously off key versions of ‘We Wish You A Merry Christmas’ they throw snowballs at your windows if you don’t part with a few quid.  Have you noticed how they always stop singing as soon as you give them some money? Its as if their visit is in some way intended as some kind of ‘Christmas Protection Racket’- you give them some cash to go away and they in return put you out of your misery. It’s all perfectly fair really you know?

Ah yes, it always feels good to finish work on Dec 24th after 24 days of continuous overtime for your ‘Christmas Holiday’. As long as you’re not late for work on Boxing Day morning you will qualify for your £15 Christmas voucher (minus tax of course) that you can spend on anything you like in store (as long as it is out of code) to thank you for your loyalty throughout the year.

The best thing about Christmas though is of course the giving and receiving of presents…

You spend an absolute fortune on your relatives – enough to put you in debt for the next three months or so only then on Christmas day to watch them unwrap their gifts and ‘sniff’ at the contents of your ‘lovingly’ wrapped parcels. “Got this already” little Jimmy glares up at you as he tosses the £49 computer game onto his ‘what a load of rubbish’ pile.  “You know I hate blue Nana’ shouts 10 year old Sophie bursting into tears, throwing her half unwrapped new dress to the floor and storming off to her room.

 The one consolation in all of this is that you at least get to do your own ‘annual amateur dramatics’ when opening your own gifts. “Oh Mum, what a lovely present!” You gush at the 9^th pair of slippers you’ve received in so many years. “Socks and pants to” you continue mouth open and wide-eyed. “So useful” pipe up the rest of the family as the world stops still for a moment like in those old horror movies.

Then of course there’s the card writing – how you love to make up witty slogans and buy ‘just the card that’s right’ for each of your relatives. You even hold out hope at that point that they will buy you a decent card themselves this year rather than one of those ‘deluxe’ cards in packs of ten from Tesco’s for a quid.  Seventeen year old ‘Eco Warrior’ Simon even manages to get out of giving you a card or wrapping your present at all under the guise of ‘saving the planet’ and you have to smile sweetly as you take a crumpled looking box of chocolates out of a re-used supermarket carrier bag that smells like old boxer shorts.

Finally, there’s the age difference to deal with…

 “Oh God not the bloody Wizzard Of Oz AGAIN (tut tut). They put that on every single year, that and John Wayne in Stagecoach” chips in Grandad watching the telly at deafening volume while the kids chase each other around the Christmas tree.  Over the years, you’ve noticed how Grandad always likes to add his own special brand of Christmas cheer to the holiday season.  “That’s what I’d like to do to the little toe rags round here that keep vandalising everything. I wouldn’t mess about I tell you, I’d shoot the bastards” he always bellows watching the news after the Queen’s speech. The then follows a five or ten minute lecture on the state of the law in this country today and how that Farmer Tony somebody went wrong because he didn’t shoot BOTH of the burglars that kept breaking into his farm. This is traditionally followed by an announcement that National Service should be brought back and then (while standing to attention) the whole family are forced to listen to 15 minutes of “when I was in the army” stories and told how you had to learn discipline in those days. “If the Sergeant Major said jump you bloody well jumped!” ending up as the punch line.

Yes, it’s a grand time of the year is Christmas… I bet you can’t wait!

So, if any of you have Victor Meldrew’s address – do me a favour?  Drop Jim Hollands a line and ask him to pass it on to me.

HA HA HA

Merry Christmas to you all!

'You HAVE To See This!

One of the best tracks on 'A 50's Christmas' that I had never heard before is 'Christmas Chopsticks' by Mel Blanc. Mel was of course the man responsible for so many of the classic Disney character voices we all know and love but I had not heard of him making any records before?

Well, if I enjoyed 'Christmas Chopsticks', searching for more Mel Blanc on Youtube I came across 'The Christmas Tree!!' - a tribute to Mel and it really put a smile on my face!

Whatever you do, watch this right through to the end. Don't worry about the pesky advert at the start nor Larry's long introduction. If you think he is 'dragging it out a bit' at first you will think he's a HERO at the end, trust me! I don't think I have seen anything so well performed and funny as this since good old Norman Wisdom died. Norman would be proud of Larry Rapchak and I think he also looks a bit like Will Hay as well in his teachers get-up...

Video's like this are what Youtube was invented for and Mel Blanc would be chuffed to bits that somebody like Larry went to all this trouble to film such a great tribute. How brilliantly has Larry remembered all the words and there is never a moment when you think he is going to get confused and point at the wrong thing or make a mess of it!

Larry, MERRY CHRISTMAS my friend. I don't know you but I already KNOW you and I would get on. You are a star - thanks so much for sharing this with us.

'Goodies! Goodie Goodie Yum Yum'

Bar Monty Python, The Goodies 70's comedy shows must be about the most bizarre ever filmed. I was never a huge fan myself but there was something appealing about seeing Bill Oddie being chased by a HUGE version of Dougal from The Magic Roundabout!

The Goodies also managed to have a few hits in the mid 70's as well and 'Father Christmas Do Not Touch Me'  has to be one the least likely Christmas records to ever get played on the radio or get a sniff of a chance of appearing on a festive compilation these days because it would I venture be considered 'just a tad sexist'. It was actually really the lesser side of their 'Inbetweenies' hit single but I still think its a good laugh. I love the galloping hoof rhythm and the constant sleigh bells in the background and the 'song' itself is so 'gloriously 70's humour' I'd love to shut 'Harriet Harperson' in a room with it on constant replay for a few hours! (lol)

You'll NEVER get to hear this ancient Christmas tomfoolery anywhere else these days now so click on the link above and ENJOY!

'Christmas With A Dirty Old Man'

No, I'm not talking about me! The only stockings I get to play with over Christmas are the ones hanging from the end of my bed (should I have admitted that?) or on the end of the mantlepiece! (lol)

No, I'm talking about those annual 1970's Christmas episodes of 'Steptoe & Son' so brilliantly played by Harry H Corbett and Wilfred Bramble. As with a lot of 70's comedy a good deal of the jokes were either political side-swipes, about girls or making fun of 'foreigners'. Hardly PC at the best of times the humour may no longer be acceptable to a good few but I still think good, honest, 'say what you mean' comedy is far preferable to todays 'nicer on the surface of things' spiteful stuff thats full of swear words and obscenities...

What made Steptoe & Son so funny though was more to do with the visual comedy as much as the script. With its touch of slapstick, Bramble's characters DISGUSTING habits and lecherous tendencies and his BRILLIANT facial expressions you couldn't help but feel for the hapless Harold! I mean, who remembers the episode where the old man is having a bath in the kitchen sink! How many times does he drop food on the floor and then just put it back on Harold's plate - after giving it a good clean by wiping it on the sleeve of his ancient jumper!

As gross and UN PC as 70's comedies were swearing was never a part of the scene. There were no 'cheap laughs' every one had to be worked for and that meant having to put the hours into writing funny scripts. This festive episode from 1974 is a great example of the best and worst elements of the show depending on your point of view. Why not sit back and take another look?

'Christmas Chuckles'

When I was a kid no Christmas could ever be allowed to pass by without watching a good bit of festive telly.  Much has been said about the appeal of the festive Morecambe & Wise show and Eric & Ernie were indeed fabulous but one comedian I used to LOVE who now seems to have faded into the mists of time was Dick Emery. In my opinion Emery was a fantastic actor as well as a comedian and as the clip here shows was seen at his best when 'taking off' caricatures of the many stereotypes there are in society. I have never really liked drag queens like Lily Savage, or Dame Edna but all of Emery's female characters make me laugh and his 'Ooh, you are awful, but I like you' lady was the funniest of them all...

I SO miss being able to really laugh my head off at the comedy of today. So much of it is sarcastic, spiteful and nasty whereas much of 70's comedy was just silly, revolved around 'pulling legs' and was designed to allow people to join in on the joke and see the funny side of themselves. Oh for the heady days of HONEST comedy is what I say! God bless you Dick - wherever you are...