'It's Nearly Time!'

Well, I have had a nice, relaxing day at home today! After a busy week of visiting friends, Christmas meals, 'Tom's Midnight Garden' at The Stables Theatre (very good!) and a trip out to Pett to attend the annual, 'Carols in The Barn' event (where we all gather  in a barn, sit on straw bails and sing Christmas carols accompanied by cattle and a whole host of other farm animals) it has been nice to take it easy for a change.

I had a good time at my Shorelink Writers Christmas meal in Westfield, which is where this festive photo of me was taken. Didn't do the 'rounds' of the Westfield lights though as, with all things this year, I arrived rather late. Things have definitely been stressful regarding Christmas this year and I do feel I've let myself down in a number of areas but I guess I ought  to be thankful that I've had plenty to do and people to see.

Me in one of my 'conservative' Christmas outfits!

Tomorrow is likely to be another quiet day at home though my brother and his kids are coming to visit in the evening. It will then be time on Boxing Day for my annual tilt at the bookies! I think I only really bother now because its traditional - I can't recall EVER winning anything worth having on a personal level during the Christmas period in over 30 years! Me and my mate, Paul DID win a few quid on our joint bets last year though so I shall keep my eyes peeled for any pigs I see flying over my house in the next few days!

As I'm getting older I'm beginning to feel the lack of a 'Mrs Christmas' in my life more keenly but I am TRULY blessed with some WONDERFUL friends and more of them are female these days, which is a HUGE improvement on the previous 40 odd years! I can even count a 'funny story' regarding my 'perceived love life' amongst my 'boring life stories' to tell people thanks to his fact, which revolves around a coffee bar in Hastings I visited on three consecutive days with three different female friends! The woman behind the counter gave me some VERY disapproving looks  on the SECOND day when I turned up with someone new and on the THIRD day she gave me that kind of 'I don't know how you do it or where you get the energy' kind of glance! When my friend that day was overheard saying that she'd better, 'give her husband a ring' as we were being served I was surprised not to get my hot drink poured down the front of my trousers! (lol)

Actually, its quite un-nerving how 'universally trusted' I am with other people's wives!

Hmm, It must be the way I walk, I reckon!

(Note for the P.C. Brigade ... JOKE! ITS A JOKE! you know, HA HA and all that? LOL)

Happy Christmas folks!

'Merry Christmas!'

Well, todays the day! I hope you all have something fabulous lined up to make the day a memorable one. My Christmas is not going to be a spectacular event this year but at least I am not flooded out like a lot of poor souls and spending quality time with loved ones is never time wasted...

Funnily enough though I have been thinking about the years I spent Christmas on holiday the last day or two. Its always refreshing to travel and see a bit of the world but as my Christmas holiday to Kufstein in Austria proved, the grass (or snow in this case) is not always greener on the other side.

A department store in Kufstein. Typically for my luck they were closed while I was there!

I was going through a bit of a depression in 2007 and so decided that the best thing I could do was to book up a Christmas  break and head off to the land of snow and mountains. At that time I was in work at a music merchandise company called 'Masons Music Ltd' and the workload up until Christmas there was always incredible. Virtually every day would involve doing some overtime and the amount of phone calls we used to get was amazing. It was hard work and very tiring but my boss was a great bloke and was always very generous to us all at the end of it. He used to take us all out for a meal, give us extra wages AND let us take a present from the warehouse so putting in so much effort was never difficult just tiring.

Anyway, with all that work ahead of me I knew that I needed something to look forward to and so a holiday to 'Kufstein' in Austria in a 4 star hotel seemed ideal. Snow, snow, slopes, fairy lights, carols and MORE snow was I felt sure to be on the agenda and a 4 star hotel should be quite a swanky place to stay as well! To be pampered and to be forced to be jolly and make new friends seemed like the ideal remedy to my woes...

Snowless Kufstein - Nice lights though!

As ever, however, things did not quite go to plan! Sure, Austria had all the snow anyone could want but Kufstein itself was almost snow free. My idea of soft, crunchy, fluffy snow also went out of the window as an excursion to Kitzbuhel on Boxing Day proved when all I found there was a wet and quite dirty looking place where no where was open! Salzburg was lovely but it was just one day out of seven and the 4 days of traveling there and back on a coach almost killed me...

Worst of all though was my 4 star hotel. The 'luxury' I expected to find turned out so bad in fact that I made the following two videos to upload on Youtube when I got home...

Things did not start out well from the minute we arrived at the hotel. My name and the names of another couple were not on the guest list and because of that I think they and I ended up getting the 'spare rooms' usually designated for our drivers. The fact that neither of our drivers ended up staying at the hotel seems to back this up though they might not have chosen to do so  because they'd been there before!

A friend of mine always tells me that I become very funny whenever I get depressed. The upside of this story is that both of the videos above turned out to be huge hits on Youtube. Because of this I really got the bug for making films and as of now have over 240 on my Maybrick44 channel! I wouldn't want to put you off going to Austria for Christmas because it is a beautiful place but if you do go make sure you go for longer than 7 days if you are traveling by coach because for three days actually there the traveling spoils it. If you can, stay in Salzburg because it has a lot of winter charm and is full of festive atmosphere. Be VERY careful where you stay though and make sure you check out your hotel online BEFORE you book up.

I DID get my 'revenge' on the hotel staff though because I had packed a complete Father Christmas outfit into my case and came down Christmas Day dressed up in it. I went in to where they were holding the disco, took over the mic and made a few speeches/had a few jokes with the people I knew from my coach. NO ONE realised who the hell I was so it was quite hilarious really - the staff did not know whether to grab me and throw me out or not!!!

Me as Father Christmas in Kufstein, Austria 2007

This Christmas story does have a happy ending though. Aside from gaining a new interest in making films I got some great footage and pictures of Salzburg and the Von Trappe Mansion (The Sound Of Music?) which I subsequently used for the artwork of my 'In Words, In Music...Of Life, Of Death' poetry/music album. Some of the other footage I got on that holiday went into my videos for 'Its Christmas Time' and my latest festive song 'A Winters Tale' so all in all it wasn't a disaster just not the uplifting experience I hoped for at the time...

Merry Christmas! xxxx 

'A Family Christmas?'

Heres something that I hope will put a smile on your face this December! I wrote this a few years ago as part of a series of 'Tall Tales' based on ridiculous ideas that - the Battle Of Hastings was a misunderstanding over a game of conkers - The Beatles were named in memory of a charity darts match and that Politicians were going to penalise those who die before the age of retirement by creating a 'bucket tax'...hang on a minute, that's NOT such a crazy idea is it! (lol)

Anyway, I think this sums up a lot of peoples festive 'sessions' so have a read and a good laugh!

Is Christmas not a time for celebration, frivolity, hilarity, good will to all men, hugs kisses and thoughts of peace? Do we not all welcome ‘rarely seen’ relatives from afar with open arms? Embrace our Mother In Law and our sisters 16 children tenderly?  Share laughter filled evenings playing parlour games and chatting over a glass of wine?

 What? What was that? What planet am I on?

Let’s face it folks, for most of us Christmas is usually enough to make a months holiday in February to the beach at Rock A Nore with Victor Meldrew seem like the ideal package holiday!

Every year, families right across Hastings find themselves ‘treated’ to twelve day’s of Christmas as only the Devil himself could devise. Screaming kids ‘whoop’ as they play noisy computer games, jump up and down on your new settee or delight in teasing the Cat. Family feuds ‘come home to roost’ over the Christmas meal and ‘the missus’ storms off upstairs ‘never to speak to you or your disgusting family again’ while her mother reminds everyone why ‘she always said her daughter should never have married you’. Then of course there are the ‘armies’ of Carol singers that interrupt your ‘serene and blissful existence’. With their horrendously off key versions of ‘We Wish You A Merry Christmas’ they throw snowballs at your windows if you don’t part with a few quid.  Have you noticed how they always stop singing as soon as you give them some money? Its as if their visit is in some way intended as some kind of ‘Christmas Protection Racket’- you give them some cash to go away and they in return put you out of your misery. It’s all perfectly fair really you know?

Ah yes, it always feels good to finish work on Dec 24th after 24 days of continuous overtime for your ‘Christmas Holiday’. As long as you’re not late for work on Boxing Day morning you will qualify for your £15 Christmas voucher (minus tax of course) that you can spend on anything you like in store (as long as it is out of code) to thank you for your loyalty throughout the year.

The best thing about Christmas though is of course the giving and receiving of presents…

You spend an absolute fortune on your relatives – enough to put you in debt for the next three months or so only then on Christmas day to watch them unwrap their gifts and ‘sniff’ at the contents of your ‘lovingly’ wrapped parcels. “Got this already” little Jimmy glares up at you as he tosses the £49 computer game onto his ‘what a load of rubbish’ pile.  “You know I hate blue Nana’ shouts 10 year old Sophie bursting into tears, throwing her half unwrapped new dress to the floor and storming off to her room.

 The one consolation in all of this is that you at least get to do your own ‘annual amateur dramatics’ when opening your own gifts. “Oh Mum, what a lovely present!” You gush at the 9^th pair of slippers you’ve received in so many years. “Socks and pants to” you continue mouth open and wide-eyed. “So useful” pipe up the rest of the family as the world stops still for a moment like in those old horror movies.

Then of course there’s the card writing – how you love to make up witty slogans and buy ‘just the card that’s right’ for each of your relatives. You even hold out hope at that point that they will buy you a decent card themselves this year rather than one of those ‘deluxe’ cards in packs of ten from Tesco’s for a quid.  Seventeen year old ‘Eco Warrior’ Simon even manages to get out of giving you a card or wrapping your present at all under the guise of ‘saving the planet’ and you have to smile sweetly as you take a crumpled looking box of chocolates out of a re-used supermarket carrier bag that smells like old boxer shorts.

Finally, there’s the age difference to deal with…

 “Oh God not the bloody Wizzard Of Oz AGAIN (tut tut). They put that on every single year, that and John Wayne in Stagecoach” chips in Grandad watching the telly at deafening volume while the kids chase each other around the Christmas tree.  Over the years, you’ve noticed how Grandad always likes to add his own special brand of Christmas cheer to the holiday season.  “That’s what I’d like to do to the little toe rags round here that keep vandalising everything. I wouldn’t mess about I tell you, I’d shoot the bastards” he always bellows watching the news after the Queen’s speech. The then follows a five or ten minute lecture on the state of the law in this country today and how that Farmer Tony somebody went wrong because he didn’t shoot BOTH of the burglars that kept breaking into his farm. This is traditionally followed by an announcement that National Service should be brought back and then (while standing to attention) the whole family are forced to listen to 15 minutes of “when I was in the army” stories and told how you had to learn discipline in those days. “If the Sergeant Major said jump you bloody well jumped!” ending up as the punch line.

Yes, it’s a grand time of the year is Christmas… I bet you can’t wait!

So, if any of you have Victor Meldrew’s address – do me a favour?  Drop Jim Hollands a line and ask him to pass it on to me.

HA HA HA

Merry Christmas to you all!

'A Christmas Tale (Or Two)'

I have always been a bit of a joker and love to throw people into a state of confusion every now and then. I have also been known to dress up as Santa and turn up at parties dressed as the old gent. The twist to the story, however, is that I REALLY AM Santa but don't let on to anyone I told you...

Anyway, the tale of one of my funniest moments ever as my alter ego, is bound to make you smile so I am posting it here. I am a regular contributor to a local magazine called 'Hastings Town' and the following piece was published in that magazine a year or so ago. I swear on my mothers life that every word of the following is true so don't think for a second that it isn't. Yes, I really am that potty when it comes to Christmas!

The above photo was taken in Bruges, Belgium at Xmas 2005. I took a Santa outfit with me on holiday and then surprised everyone (including the tour operators and hotel staff) by coming down for dinner on Xmas eve dressed as Santa. 'Just popped in before my big nights work' I told them!

‘A Christmas Tale’ by Tony May

I always like to write something Christmassy and light hearted for the December edition of ‘HT’ and so this year I thought I’d take a leaf out of our old friend ‘Jimper’s’ book and recount to you the story of my most extraordinary (and I promise on my mother’s life –TRUE) Christmas experience of all.

Now, you don’t have to be a brain surgeon to work out that, for a 45 year old, I’m not your ‘usual candidate’ (Cowboy hat anyone? No? Really?) or a stereotypical male but Christmas is one time of the year when it can be a great advantage to be a bit ‘odd’ or to have a reputation as ‘a bit of a nutter’!

Why? Well, I have a little secret that not many people know about – I like dressing up… No, not in women’s clothes (ooh, you lot always think the worst of a guy) but as Santa Claus and I have done a fair few ’nutty’ things dressed as the old gent over the years.

The funniest instance of all was when (having just joined Shorelink Community Writers Group in 2004) I turned up at their Christmas party dressed as St Nick complete with full beard, hat and a sack full of presents slung over my shoulder. The then Shorelink Chair, Robert Brandon, opened the door to me and the look on his face was priceless! Robert obviously had no idea who I was but how could anyone refuse Father Christmas entry to a Christmas party? Realizing this and for a bit of devilment, I decided to wait a while once inside before revealing my identity. Witnessing Robert stumble and fluster whilst trying to introduce me to all present was truly hilarious and when I finally did pull my beard down and take my hat off (its really hot in all that garb I can tell you) everyone had a right laugh and Robert and I have been good friends ever-since!

In fact, that night will live long in my memory for a lot of reasons as I had been causing similar havoc about Hollington before even making it to the party (which incidentally was held at the recently demolished ‘Nicola Rodmell School Of Dance’ in Silverhill).

Dressing up in a Santa costume is not quite as easy as it may seem. As any professional will tell you, trying to make sure your beard doesn’t fall down, that your whiskers don’t tickle your nose and make you sneeze and to get those large black boots with sleigh bells attached on at all takes a monumental effort. Because of this and having planned a lift to the party with a friend, I got into my outfit at home. Well, in the end this friend rang me to say he couldn’t make it! So, there I was dressed as Santa Claus with no way of getting to the party? What could I do I thought? Surely, if I was to call a taxi and tell them that ‘Father Christmas wants a lift to Silverhill’ I would either be told sarcastically to ‘use my sleigh’ or they would think my call was a wind up and not show up - no buses were running either so that option was out.

Thus it was that, like some scene from a badly written script for ‘Only Fools & Horses’, I eventually WALKED up to Silverhill wearing the full costume. Doing so was not only one of the most bizarre and comical things I have ever done but THE most revealing about human nature. The vast difference in how people reacted to me was amazing. Lots of people waved and honked their car horns as they drove past and a fair few of their children nearly went into orbit with excitement in the back seats. Reactions were much more mixed however from those I actually came across in the street. Most were friendly and shared a word with me or pulled my leg but some seemed frightened and deeply suspicious of me and kept their distance. Until then, I would never have thought it possible for anyone to be wary or scared of Father Christmas but I suppose people are so used to hearing of terrible things these days that whenever they cannot clearly see your face they automatically fear the worst.

You can imagine the chaos I caused then when en-route I popped into ‘Costcutters’ in Battle Rd (it was a ‘bring a bottle’ party). After casually plodding around to the drinks section and selecting what I wanted, I calmly went and joined the queue for the tills. How hilarious that must have been for those watching the security cameras upstairs. That must be one of the most boring jobs of all time and I bet they rubbed their eyes a good few times before believing what they were seeing! The lady in front of me in the queue saw the funny side of it though – “I never thought I’d be queuing up with Santa Claus’ she said with a smile. I have to say the staff were all very nice too and so, overall, it was a happy experience.

Best of all though was the incident that occurred just before the Silverhill traffic lights…

Walking fairly briskly and ‘jingle-jangling’ as I went, I started to make up ground on a woman walking alone ahead of me. Eventually, I saw her quite naturally glance back over her right shoulder to see what the noise was. What happened next though I swear happened in true ‘Laurel & Hardy’ style, for after walking on for a few seconds as if everything was perfectly normal, the lady’s head whizzed around again and she stopped dead in her tracks. “Ho, ho, ho” piped up I and waved – trying to be friendly.

Well, whether in shock, fear or utter disbelief, thereafter the woman stood motionless until I reached her. “Its o.k. I’m on my way to a Christmas Party,” I said, smiling (but failing to realize that she wouldn’t be able to see my smile because of my beard). To my relief, the lady fell about laughing at this - more so in fact than I expected.  The more she tried to compose herself and speak to me, the more she once again burst into a fit of giggles. Well, as often happens in such circumstances (this happens to you a lot then? –Ed) it wasn’t long before I started to laugh as well!

When, finally, my newly found friend regained her composure, she told me of how she’d been under a lot of strain recently following a bereavement and some financial difficulties and to her alarm had been acting a bit strangely. Fearing she was ‘cracking up’ she’d gone to see her Doctor who’d prescribed her some pills - a side effect of which could be hallucinations!

“You can well imagine then how I felt after glancing behind me to see Santa Claus walking calmly behind me in the street!”

The lady and I continued on our way for a few paces together before going our separate ways at the Silverhill traffic lights…

“There’s no way I’m going to tell my family about this as, with all my recent problems, they won’t believe me and I will probably end up sectioned!” she said with a huge smile upon her face as she left.

That lady (I don’t think I ever did get her name) and I shared a ‘one in a million moment’ that day and it is still nice for me to think back on how I, in my stupidity and with my Christmas sense of fun, provided someone with a badly needed reason to laugh at life at just the right time. I bet she still thinks of our chance meeting at least once every Christmas, like I do!

HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!