Anyway, the tale of one of my funniest moments ever as my alter ego, is bound to make you smile so I am posting it here. I am a regular contributor to a local magazine called 'Hastings Town' and the following piece was published in that magazine a year or so ago. I swear on my mothers life that every word of the following is true so don't think for a second that it isn't. Yes, I really am that potty when it comes to Christmas!
The above photo was taken in Bruges, Belgium at Xmas 2005. I took a Santa outfit with me on holiday and then surprised everyone (including the tour operators and hotel staff) by coming down for dinner on Xmas eve dressed as Santa. 'Just popped in before my big nights work' I told them!
‘A
Christmas Tale’ by Tony May
I
always like to write something Christmassy and light hearted for the December
edition of ‘HT’ and so this year I thought I’d take a leaf out of our old
friend ‘Jimper’s’ book and recount to you the story of my most extraordinary
(and I promise on my mother’s life –TRUE) Christmas experience of all.
Now,
you don’t have to be a brain surgeon to work out that, for a 45 year old, I’m
not your ‘usual candidate’ (Cowboy hat anyone? No? Really?) or a stereotypical
male but Christmas is one time of the year when it can be a great advantage to
be a bit ‘odd’ or to have a reputation as ‘a bit of a nutter’!
Why?
Well, I have a little secret that not many people know about – I like dressing
up… No, not in women’s clothes (ooh, you lot always think the worst of a guy)
but as Santa Claus and I have done a fair few ’nutty’ things dressed as the old
gent over the years.
The
funniest instance of all was when (having just joined Shorelink Community
Writers Group in 2004) I turned up at their Christmas party dressed as St Nick
complete with full beard, hat and a sack full of presents slung over my
shoulder. The then Shorelink Chair, Robert Brandon, opened the door to me and
the look on his face was priceless! Robert obviously had no idea who I was but
how could anyone refuse Father Christmas entry to a Christmas party? Realizing
this and for a bit of devilment, I decided to wait a while once inside before
revealing my identity. Witnessing Robert stumble and fluster whilst trying to
introduce me to all present was truly hilarious and when I finally did pull my
beard down and take my hat off (its really hot in all that garb I can tell you)
everyone had a right laugh and Robert and I have been good friends ever-since!
In
fact, that night will live long in my memory for a lot of reasons as I had been
causing similar havoc about Hollington before even making it to the party
(which incidentally was held at the recently demolished ‘Nicola Rodmell School
Of Dance’ in Silverhill).
Dressing
up in a Santa costume is not quite as easy as it may seem. As any professional
will tell you, trying to make sure your beard doesn’t fall down, that your
whiskers don’t tickle your nose and make you sneeze and to get those large
black boots with sleigh bells attached on at all takes a monumental effort.
Because of this and having planned a lift to the party with a friend, I got
into my outfit at home. Well, in the end this friend rang me to say he couldn’t
make it! So, there I was dressed as Santa Claus with no way of getting to the
party? What could I do I thought? Surely, if I was to call a taxi and tell them
that ‘Father Christmas wants a lift to Silverhill’ I would either be told
sarcastically to ‘use my sleigh’ or they would think my call was a wind up and
not show up - no buses were running either so that option was out.
Thus
it was that, like some scene from a badly written script for ‘Only Fools &
Horses’, I eventually WALKED up to Silverhill wearing the full costume. Doing
so was not only one of the most bizarre and comical things I have ever done but
THE most revealing about human nature. The vast difference in how people
reacted to me was amazing. Lots of people waved and honked their car horns as
they drove past and a fair few of their children nearly went into orbit with
excitement in the back seats. Reactions were much more mixed however from those
I actually came across in the street. Most were friendly and shared a word with
me or pulled my leg but some seemed frightened and deeply suspicious of me and
kept their distance. Until then, I would never have thought it possible for
anyone to be wary or scared of Father Christmas but I suppose people are so
used to hearing of terrible things these days that whenever they cannot clearly
see your face they automatically fear the worst.
You
can imagine the chaos I caused then when en-route I popped into ‘Costcutters’
in Battle Rd (it was a ‘bring a bottle’ party). After casually plodding around
to the drinks section and selecting what I wanted, I calmly went and joined the
queue for the tills. How hilarious that must have been for those watching the
security cameras upstairs. That must be one of the most boring jobs of all time
and I bet they rubbed their eyes a good few times before believing what they
were seeing! The lady in front of me in the queue saw the funny side of it
though – “I never thought I’d be queuing up with Santa Claus’ she said with a
smile. I have to say the staff were all very nice too and so, overall, it was a
happy experience.
Best
of all though was the incident that occurred just before the Silverhill traffic
lights…
Walking
fairly briskly and ‘jingle-jangling’ as I went, I started to make up ground on
a woman walking alone ahead of me. Eventually, I saw her quite naturally glance
back over her right shoulder to see what the noise was. What happened next
though I swear happened in true ‘Laurel & Hardy’ style, for after walking
on for a few seconds as if everything was perfectly normal, the lady’s head
whizzed around again and she stopped dead in her tracks. “Ho, ho, ho” piped up
I and waved – trying to be friendly.
Well,
whether in shock, fear or utter disbelief, thereafter the woman stood
motionless until I reached her. “Its o.k. I’m on my way to a Christmas Party,”
I said, smiling (but failing to realize that she wouldn’t be able to see my
smile because of my beard). To my relief, the lady fell about laughing at this
- more so in fact than I expected.
The more she tried to compose herself and speak to me, the more she once
again burst into a fit of giggles. Well, as often happens in such circumstances
(this happens to you a lot then? –Ed) it wasn’t long before I started to laugh
as well!
When,
finally, my newly found friend regained her composure, she told me of how she’d
been under a lot of strain recently following a bereavement and some financial
difficulties and to her alarm had been acting a bit strangely. Fearing she was ‘cracking
up’ she’d gone to see her Doctor who’d prescribed her some pills - a side
effect of which could be hallucinations!
“You
can well imagine then how I felt after glancing behind me to see Santa Claus
walking calmly behind me in the street!”
The
lady and I continued on our way for a few paces together before going our
separate ways at the Silverhill traffic lights…
“There’s
no way I’m going to tell my family about this as, with all my recent problems,
they won’t believe me and I will probably end up sectioned!” she said with a
huge smile upon her face as she left.
That
lady (I don’t think I ever did get her name) and I shared a ‘one in a million
moment’ that day and it is still nice for me to think back on how I, in my
stupidity and with my Christmas sense of fun, provided someone with a badly
needed reason to laugh at life at just the right time. I bet she still thinks
of our chance meeting at least once every Christmas, like I do!
HAPPY
CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!
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