In case any of you have been wondering why this blog has fallen silent since Christmas 2020 I thought it time to post an update about just what has happened in my life since then.
Firstly, I lost my lovely Mum, Margaret Rose May on Nov 5th 2021 during the Covid pandemic. The stress of that entire 'lockdown' period and having to deal with both my Mum's illness and my Dad's battle with serious mental heath issues took its toll on me and I 'lost my mind' and ended up in a Mental Hospital...
I was in one of the two different Hospitals that I ended up in all over Christmas 2011 and had no access to the outside world at all. I am not a mobile phone user (HATE them!) and had no money on me so was 'completely out of the loop' throughout that whole period.
The horrific things that happened to me and that I saw and felt during that period of eight weeks - I was released on 14th of Jan 2022 - will stay with me always. Though (thankfully!) most of them were hallucinations (brought on (I assume) by my illness and the drugs I was on to cure me) and not actually real they WERE real to me and I can still remember pretty much exactly what happened, who I was with, what I said etc from that period. It was all pretty scarey stuff and I believed I was 'Jack The Ripper' at one point and heard a dear female friend of mine being raped by two men multiple times and murdered (whilst she screamed my name through the walls but I could not go to her aid) on another occasion...
As you can well imagine (though I am much better now thank God!) these experiences have taken a huge toll on me and to some extent are things I feel I am unlikely to ever fully recover from...
Since that time I have been unable to function in any kind of emotional way really. Even writing birthday cards I find unpleasant! I guess it's because - having been so damaged by loss - my mind thinks it better not to get so fond of anyone anymore. However silly that is and sounds I can understand why I am that way because no-one would ever want to go through what I have been through again. I no longer watch any news reports nor read any newspapers either because it is all bad news, lies (in my opinion!) and negative stuff that either makes you feel unsafe, frustrated, angry or scared and I need to keep well away from all of those kind of feelings!
Sadly, since Mum died I haven't really been able to 'do Christmas' and have not written a single card nor bought any presents for anyone since that time. I really understand now how Ebeneezer Scrooge felt when he lost his beloved sister but unlike him I do hold hopes of one-day getting my 'festive mojo back'. For now though it all seems 'too soon' and the way that the world has changed so dramatically for me since I was ill ( I also lost my best friend, Keith Tooke 5 months after Mum died when he passed away suddenly and unexpectedly) has done a lot of emotional damage. So much so that the 'thrill' I used to get each year as the festive season approached has gone. I seem incapable of being touched now by the spirit of Christmas and all the joy of giving and receiving has simply died...
It is all very sad (if understandable) and I have lost touch with lots of people since my illness. This is in part down to the fact that (ironically!) I am not having to act as a carer for my Dad who is 87 and cannot do many of the things he used to be able to for himself anymore. I am grateful though that I am seemingly coping o.k. with that task and doing a good job in a tough situation but life is a VERY long way from what it was! You only get one Mum in this world and she is the best friend you will ever have so even if you lose her in ordinary circumstances it is life changing!
Anyway, I thought I'd post here (finally) to let you all know what the situation is (for now)...
I do send all of you my love and pray that life will be much kinder to you than it has been to me this last 4 or 5 years but then I WAS so lucky to have such a happy childhood and home life for so many years and I try to remember that...
You are all in my prayers,
Love, Tony May xx
